Depression akin to Dementors

If someone were to ask me what depression is like, I would say Dementors as in the books and movies Harry Potter.  Rawlings herself was in depression when she wrote the books.  I think she characterized the disorder rightfully in the dark shadowy flying figures, sucking out all the joy from persons who came into contact with them.

"Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them... Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself...soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life."

—Remus Lupin to Harry Potter^[src]

And to rid oneself of "depression" or darkness, one needs to think happy positive thoughts to bring forth light  (casting the Patronus Charm) which diminishes the Dementors.

"A Patronus is a kind of positive force, and for the wizard who can conjure one, it works something like a shield, with the Dementor feeding on it, rather than him. In order for it to work, you need to think of a memory. Not just any memory, a very happy memory, a very powerful memory… Allow it to fill you up... lose yourself in it... then speak the incantation "Expecto Patronum"."

—Remus Lupin teaching Harry Potter the Patronus Charm^[src]

"Make it a powerful memory, the happiest you can remember. Allow it to fill you up… Just remember, your Patronus can only protect you as long as you stay focused… Think of the happiest thing you can."

—Harry Potter teaching the Patronus Charm to Dumbledore's Army^[src]

So I call upon the Divine energy to come and heal me.

Paulo Coelho's Life as an Inspiration

I have just finished reading the authorized biography of Paulo Coelho by Ferdinand Morais ~ A Warrior's Life.  I got the book on August 24 at the KLCC Book Fest and upon reading the first few pages discovered that I had bought it on his 65th birthday.

Reading about his younger days and how he often fell into the shadow (depression) made me understand myself better.  He was a misunderstood child who was pressured to do well in school by his parents, did poorly in his studies but loved reading and writing.  And he often got into severe depression because he was not able to do what he wanted.  It is amazing how he was given so much medication and treatments (including 3 sessions of Electroconvulsive Therapy).

As an adult, he dabbled with drugs and devil worship despite the fact that he is Catholic.  Those were his lost years, so to speak, writing for the Brazilian media, writing songs and travelling (before the phenomenon started).  His dream was to be a famous writer.  It was a trip to a former Nazi Concentration Camp in Germany that he discovered his spiritual roots and so began the realization of his dream.

His first book was The Pilgrimage, followed by the world famous best seller The Alchemist.  I have read The Alchemist several times over and the simple story has touched my heart as it has millions around the world.

The most touching part of the biography for me was at the end (almost) ~ his letter to Mr Morais, his biographer who was in the midst of writing, in 2007.  The letter was written from his heart of his fears and his wishes about the biography which was 3 years in the making.  It brought me close to tears as I felt what he was feeling at the time he wrote the letter.

I am now inspired to live my dreams and do what he does all the time, putting his hands together to pray for divine protection and blessings.  It is something that I do once in a while but not diligently everyday at a prescribed hour.  The timing that I got this book is planned by the Divine, just as I came out of the dark hole of depression myself.  It came my way just as how Eckhart Tolle's books The Power of Now, Stillness Speaks and A New Earth came into my life.  Similarly with how Osho books came into my life.  Similar to how I discovered Mooji on the internet.  Similar to how I have just gotten involved with Bruno Groening's Circle of Friends.

As Paulo Coelho said in his letter, "Who would I be without these experiences?".  The same with what I have always known with my experiences, good and bad.  They are in the past and I am here now.

Stand By Me

It suddenly occurred to me that, in my all darkest moments, it is always only one person who stood by me ~ my husband, Derrick.  This thought dawned on me when I remembered just hours ago that come August 11, he goes alone to the hospital for a procedure to check the condition of his bladder because I will be taking care of the kids.  There is no one I can call to to help with the kids so that I can be with him.  Except maybe my neighbours.

I came to realize that it was always Derrick who stood by me when I was in depression.  For all the support I thought I had, Derrick was the one who took me to the doctor, to the hospital.  Yes, my sisters did bring me
to see the doctor a couple of times but they were never there in my darkest moments, it was always Derrick.  

Now I understand what it is like to be a person with a mental illness.  It is a lonely world.  Most people do not know what depression is all about as it is not a physical health problem, only mental.  Most people ask why I feel depressed and tell me not to worry so much, to think positive.  I know that but I cannot help myself if I feel blue or feel death.

People say that they understand but deep down inside, I feel they do not.  Worst, some think that it is not real and that it is my attitude.  They judge me as weak.  They do not see what I see or feel in my darkest moments.  In a way, I am saddened because most look at the surface and the physical condition, and just because I am happy sometimes, they think that I am OK, that there is nothing wrong with me.

I am thankful that Derrick is always here for me, and I wish to be here for him too.

Taking it a day at a time, living in the now

As far as possible, I take it a day at a time, living in the now.  Of course it is easier said than done as I note that, at times, there is a lot of anger and anxiety in me.  Anger arises when I identify with thoughts about how unfair life is, thoughts about why people do not listen to me.  I guess it is true what Dr Khatijah said, that I get depressed when things do not go my way.  The only difference is I feel like that mostly during the pre-menstrual period.  So is it more than a coping mechanism?  Is it due to being in the 40s and pre-menopause?  The doctors deny it but it seems reasonable to figure so.

Anyway, back to taking it a day at a time, living in the now, the catch is not getting caught up with the challenges in life.  So what if Jordan does not listen?  So what if the boys talk back?  So what if Derrick gets upset with me?  What is important is that I know what I am doing, that I have done my level best to be a wife and a mother.  What is important is that I enjoy what I am doing when I am able to enjoy it, despite having depression.  And if I get weepy or anxious, it is just a phase, a winter season that I am going through, because sooner or later, healing comes, the sun shines, the wind blows, the birds sing.

It is a great resolve...

My fingers are dirty with oil pastels.  It is a great resolve to put my heart and mind into what I am doing instead of feeling anxious and depressed.  How do I describe it?  The feeling of sadness, the feeling of fear in the gut.  Of what?  I know not.  

I started on the downhill after seeing the doctor at UMMC.  She posed questions about my past as with the other psychotherapy session with her, and then concluded that I do not have the regular form of depression.  She said that I tend to get upset and angry when things are not going my way.  It's got to do with my coping mechanism.

Is this how psychiatrists and psychologists are supposed to do?  So where do I go from here?  It's like I am on my own, which I am by the way.  Just because I do not fit into the normal form of depression, it is now my coping mechanism.

Well, let me let them know that, yes, I understand it is the way I think and process information.  It is the way I deal with issues after bearing with it.  I do not get upset at every opportunity.  I am happy with what I have, what I am.  But when one goes downhill, all these feedback do not help one who is suffering from anguish.  It is mental torture.  One cannot just switch off.

Indeed, it is a great resolve of such difficulty.  I feel so lost yet I know I will get out of this black hole, most of the time without the help of the doctors.  I heal myself over time.  Not the sessions with them, not with the medication.  On my own in time.

It's been a while...

... since I last updated my blog.  Guess there was nothing new to write about except the cyclical manner of my mood swings and reactiveness to what is.  It is such a challenge to remain in harmony on the surface.  There is understanding of the principle of being still, being non-judgmental, being just the watcher.  In reality and practice, the understanding tends to get kicked about by the ego and the thoughts.

Which brings me to the conclusion (again) that this challenge is what I need to learn and overcome in this lifetime.  In some occasions, there is no issue.  The sky is blue, the breeze is blowing, leaves on the trees are rustling, there is a beautiful (lack of a better word) stillness.  And I am happy with the housework, the gardening, the ironing, the cooking.  Blissful!

Then there are times when the smallest of words from a loved one can cause a volcano to erupt and floods of tears to fall.  Most times this happens before or during the period a woman bleeds, horrors of horrors.  All balance and harmony gets lost, reactivity is the name of the game.  The storm is at Mach 5.  Nothing can stand in the way of the Hurricane.  Then just as the storm came, it disappears into the calm after a couple of days.

In the last few months, post finding Mooji on Youtube, I have been once again "searching".  I tried out a couple of meetups with people with similar interest in meditation and yoga, and decided that teachers and masters are hard to come by.  Watching Mooji, I count my blessings that I have had Shihan Goh is my meditation teacher years ago.  I count my blessings that I have a supportive family (even though at trying times I wished I had none).  I count my blessings that I have some friends whom I can call on now and again.

And in the need to come out of the hole of darkness, I decided that it is time for me to take up some colours and do some art to release some of the anxiety, worries, anger, sadness...  I have put it aside for too long.  It does not matter what I draw or how I colour, it is the focus and attention on creating something out of nothing.  It is a great resolve.

Into the Deep Abyss Again and Out

I plunged into the deep dark abyss of depression again Dec 29 after seeing Dr Khatijah and was in it for 3 dark lonely days.  I cried so much, I was hoarse.  I couldn't say what was troubling me but I was feeling so down in the dumps.  I got angry with the boys.  I shouted at everyone at home.  It was so ugly.  I felt totally unhappy, sad, hurt.  This is the cross I have to carry until I am raised.  I called out to Derrick and God for help.

Depression sucks me dry of energy.  There is so much ache and pain in my body that I cannot understand, so much "sourness".  Much like the pain our Planet is in.  So much anger and hurt, so much resentment.  And feel it I must.  By feeling it totally, can I overcome it.  Little by little, the grip it has on me will loosen and peace will come.  In fact, peace is in me.  I just don't feel it.

I was lost in my story, so lost, like the Prodigal son, the lost sheep.  I couldn't see the light, see the way home.  I looked and looked and then realized that I have been looking with blinkered eyes, judgement, It is how I perceived my situation.  There is realization, an awakening - I have eyes and yet I do not see.  I have ears and yet I do not hear.  Lost, lost in the maya, drama.

Oh, to be filled with love and peace and joy.

Conflict of the Heart and the Mind

For years, both my heart and mind have been at war, each speaking to me in different languages.  And for years, I have been "suffering from depression".  All the noise in me and the external noise have caused so much confusion (for the lack of a better word).  I have journeyed to find my self, to understand my self.  I grew up asking the same questions, Who am I!  Why am I me?  I would peer into the mirror and look deep into my eyes to see me.

Now while I am still "in depression, I understand and accept the conditions as part of life.

Going from Up to Down and Up again

Each month (even each day), I experience the ups and downs like a yoyo. I see myself going from normal to high to low so often that it seems like part of me. Of course, reading Osho books make me realize that this is what my first self (aka ego) is all about, my personality. I see me reacting to stuff. I start the day on facebook (ego), do the house chores which can be very meditative. Then I tend to my garden and fish, nature heals. At times, I get over confident (manic) and it is pretty scary. It is like there are 2 or 3 of me, in different parts of the day or month.

I have been cooking meals for my family and I find cooking quite therapeutic. But then most evenings, after a long day, I tend to get upset with my family easily. There is an expectation that family members chip in whenever they can. There is a feeling that I am taken for granted. I get angry, and then I break down in tears. The whole house emanates with a negative charge when I get into that mode. Fortunately I get out of that mode fast.

HEALTHYSELF

What do I see in the title phrase? Healthy Self and heal thy self. I am getting to know thy (read my) self to get out of this situation which keeps repeating itself again and again, like a vicious cycle. People ask "How did I get into this situation?" and make comments like "You don't look like you are suffering from depression.". Unless one is aware of what depression is, it is rather difficult to explain as words cannot describe it all, this feeling.

But along the way, I have found that I need to heal myself. Medication just cannot do it. Medication dulls the mind, makes me tired all the time, makes me forgetful. I want to go back to basics, go back to nature, go back to who I really am. Working with nature, living life simply, ridding my body of chemicals which seem to "treat" the brain.

Last night, I attended a talk by a self proclaimed healer and she said the same things I believe in. Healing has to start with myself. I cannot depend on others. I have to call on nature and invoke the power of the universe. But even at the talk, there were skeptics, there were those who do not understand the meaning of "soul", who only look at life situations as problems they wish someone could help them with.

And all the time, we were talking about timeless time, subtle energies, conscious and unconscious. Whether everything was fully understood, I do not know because at the end, it got kind of ugly with questions hurled at the healer. Jesus once said "You too can be like me." but how many truly listened? The body is God itself. Let the body heal itself. However, we have to be aware of it all, accept it all and surrender to God (our true self which we have lost connection with).

Nausea and A Feeling of Sadness

Watching a movie called Penelope, I felt touched and sad that the world is so fascinated with outward beauty. In fact, I feel butterflies in my tummy (nausea) and a tinge of sadness. I feel weepy. Is this part of my depression? It feels so strange that I feel like this. But I cannot break out of it. I can only watch it and feel it.

Depression + Pre-Menstrual Tension = ???

I am very sure my hormone levels have got an effect on my emotions, which Dr Ho discounted. Being sensitive is not at all good for the senses. Makes one weepy, easily upset, blue, or is it the other way around??? My new shrink had better diagnose my situation correctly. Otherwise, I will go see Dr Jambunathan after all.

Feelings of Worthlessness, Loss of Interest

These feelings are coming back and I am fully aware of it. All kinds of thoughts racing through my head. I cannot relax, cannot sit down and be still. I ventured out to help an NGO with its website and I have not been able to come up with anything. I cannot think except function at a very low level in keeping my household. I try to look at things positively but cannot. I feel hemmed in. I cannot talk with anyone, not even Derrick. I feel that people will not understand...

What's in the head???

What is in my head? I cannot think or focus on anything right now. I cannot sleep soundly at night, then I feel tired in the daytime. Funny thing is I sleep well and deep in the daytime. When I go to bed at night, my mind is always thinking of things, anything. It is just so busy with thoughts. I cannot zoom into anything. I am not interested in anything. I just do my housework each day and then log in to my facebook. What is going on in my head???

Going down again

Feeling nausea, tension in the face, sleeping deeply in the daytime, not able to sleep at night or very disturbed sleep. Looks like I am ready for another roller coaster ride again. Started feeling like this a few days ago. Not able to focus on anything. Obsessed with internet games. Reeling down.

Heart Broken, Total Anger Arises

A few hours ago, I broke down because I felt taken for granted by my family. Everyday, I clean the house, do the laundry, cook dinner, iron the clothes, do gardening, pick up after the boys, even if I am tired. Today was the last straw. The house is messed up after it is cleaned up. Johan and Joey are fighting. Derrick is watching TV. Jordan is away at camp. And I am cooking. Then when I called Derrick to prepare the boys' rice, we realised that I had not cooked the rice. Derrick cooks the rice while I go upstairs to shower (sweaty after gardening and cooking). Then I came down to iron the clothes.

To my exasperation, tears started rolling down my face. I went upstairs quietly to cry. But a storm had brewed. I sobbed and sobbed like my heart was broken. I cried out so much and so loud that I thought I was going crazy. I felt like it was the end of the world. I felt that there was no love anymore in the house. I felt disbelief. I felt so much hurt. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.

I came to a point where I just wanted to give it all up. Then I left the house and went for a walk around the neighbourhood in the dark. I walked and walked and then I came upon Jordan's campfire at school. I went to see him for a while and then I left to continue walking. I walked and walked. Then I came home.

Derrick did not say a word when I walked in. I went to the kitchen to have my dinner and the 2 boys came down quietly. I ignored them and then I started to cry again. I made a cup of coffee and came upstairs. I told them about my anger, my hurt, my feeling that there is no longer any love in the house. They are now asleep while Derrick is still downstairs watching TV. Unreal.

My Shrink Does Not Want To See Me Anymore

The very first thing Dr Ho told me after asking how I am on Wednesday was that he did not want to see me anymore as I question the way he treats me, that we are worlds apart. He has referred me to see Dr Jambunathan at UMMC which I have not as I am not comfortable with seeing a new doctor and telling my story all over again.

He says that I am full of anger, that I am angry with everyone. How he deduced that, I do not know.

The revelation took me by surprise as he nows that I am a depressive person and I was just updating him that I am not feeling too good the last couple of weeks, since Johan's birthday. He was not interested to know how I am progressing, stating that he has done all he can to help me. I came out of his office feeling stumped. I broke down.

The rest of the day was dark. Derrick sent me home and I just went to sleep at 11. When I awoke at 2, I decided to go to MMHA to see if someone can help me, advise me on what to do as I was feeling so miserable. Santa was there and she passed me Dr Ang's contact, told me that Dr Ang will be in MMHA today. I cried and cried. Then I drove to a Buddhist temple at PJ Old Town, went up to the main altar and started weeping again, calling for some spiritual intervention. Soon as I calmed down, I came home. I slept again.

After dinner and housework, I showered and sitting on my chair in the bedroom with the boys doing their stuff, I broke down again. I just could not stop crying. I felt so lost. Jordan and Johan were lost as to do anything. Joey came to me and asked me not to cry, that he loves me.

I went to bed feeling numb.

In Memory of A Truly Gifted Singer

Michael Jackson, whatever you may call him, Wacko, The Gloved One, King of Pop, is a light being who came to Earth to live the life he did, to experience, to be who he is. People will always remember him for the person he was in this lifetime (an entertainer, a performer) but more importantly, he should be remembered as a light being just like any of us. Whatever he did visible to all is what we see. What we do not see is his inner self, his light.

As another light being, he is perhaps like Osho, ostracised by society for being different. Osho spoke well, MJ sang well.

And like most light being, living this life on Earth which is full of challenges is just one part of the whole, which is the very reason why a lot of us suffer mental anguish and illness.

From one who suffers from depression, I give tribute to one who suffered from mental illness and stood strong.

What Next?

SOCSO (PERKESO) has denied me any social benefit because the medical board appeal for incapacity pension has found me not incapacitated. I find it very sad to note that SOCSO has provided me with an unclear blue copy triplicate report of the psychiatrist's scribblings and that SOCSO is not giving me any support in my current predicament.

There is also invalid process. The report is signed by 3 doctors in KL Hospital (Chairperson Dr Mohd Anis who did not speak to me at all; Consultant Psychiatrist Dato Hj Dr Abdul Aziz Abdullah who spoke with me and asked 3 questions; and Head of Medicine Dato Dr Jeyaindran Sinnadurai who also did not say a word to me). How can this be when only 1 doctor spoke with me the entire time???

Here are 3 very "credible" doctors, 2 with titles, not knowing my story and my sufferings and yet deciding on behalf of SOCSO, the organisation created to protect and provide social support to its contributors when required, are stating that I am able to go back to work with at least 1/3 of my last drawn salary without trying to do more.

I suffer at least 2 bouts of depression a year. I am mentally and emotionally out for 3-6 weeks each time. I lose myself in situations, become non functional at home, get weepy (close to hysterical), shout hysterically at people who upset me (to both family and outsiders). Do the doctors and SOCSO think I earn an income of RM4K a month (at the least) and have no problems???

I fear not men with titles, because titles are man made, not God given. To the men with titles, are you true to your heart?

Dreams, Thoughts, Emotions in Depression

In depression, thoughts run by the day and dreams run by the night in sleep. One feels like a walking waking timebomb. One erupts in anger like a dormant volcano erupting lava unannounced. One feels tired all the time. One feels constricted. Breaths become short. One gets suspicious of people. Everything feels like a clutter, a rush. The constant noise in the head.