Hanging out on the limb, trying to stay calm and balanced

The last few days have been undescribable. I have been told that I am losing my job due my recurring depression. By end August I will be officially unemployed. My family is very concerned.

Hanging out on the limb. That is how I feel, and yet trying to stay calm and balanced for my family. Having worked in the same organization for 15 years, I am about to be thrown out. And so that I do not break down, my husband advised me to stay with my sister, away from the children so that I can have some peace of mind.

At times, I feel alright as my sister keeps me occupied and I surf the net. At times, in the quiet of the night, I feel that my life has come to a standstill.

My son keeps calling to ask how I am. But at the end, I think all will end well out of Shell.

The Simple Life - seriously

Humans are born really complicated. They want everything especially money and success in life. Some of them say that they want a simple life but do they really? Perhaps The Simple Life - Paris Hilton way?

For me, the simple life is having no concerns about what other people say. The simple life is eating simple, dressing simple, talking simple (perhaps not much talk at all). The simple life is Tao, being ordinary. Gardening for the love of touching soil and planting stuff, seeing the earthworms in the soil. Listening to the birds flying by. The simple life is walking in a stream in a Malay kampung.

No need to eat at posh restaurants, no need to wear expensive branded clothes, no need to carry expensive branded bags. No need to be seen.

The simple life is taking a drive through a small town and looking old buildings, talking to old people, walking in a park with not a worry in the mind.

The simple life is just looking up in the sky and watch the clouds go by, or watch the sunset.

The simple life is sitting on a mat under a tree by a pond on a clear day with blue skies and mild breeze. Now, that is simply heaven on earth.

Yin &Yang, Good & Evil, Dismissal, 7th Month

What is good? What is bad? How do we define what is right and what is not? It is all based on our individual perceptions and it all depends on our life conditioning. What is heaven and what is hell? To some, heaven and hell are right here, depending on each life situation. To a person who is dying from cancer, his life may be hell. But if he accepts that it is part of his soul's journey, then it is heaven.

I have been going through some difficulties at work since 2004. When my husband and I told our Uncle in Singapore about it, he brought us to see a Master (Sifu) called Ah Pek. Now that I am faced with a dismissal on medical grounds and unemployment, I needed to seek Ah Pek's advice on what I should do. He told me not to worry, that my lifeline will be taken care of, but I needed to be careful in the coming 7th Chinese Lunar month (aka Month of the Hungry Ghosts) when Hell's gates are open and ghosts are allowed to come out to roam earth for a month.

So is my dismissal from the Organization I work for good or bad? It is neither good nor bad. It just have to happen, and with some difficulty, I am able to accept it and remain calm although part of me feels sad and upset. I may see it as upfair, but it may be the best possible thing that can happen to me right now. Who's to know?

All About Broadband

Today we decided to get broadband connection for our home. It is really cool, cost us RM1300 for a year's subscription and a free modem, and in minutes, it was set up in my laptop. Today's technology makes life so simple. Just think radio waves all over around us.

Now we can surf the net anywhere, anytime. It is simply beyond me to think that millions of info get transmitted through the air all day long.

It was only some 20 years ago when we had the 286 computers and floppy disks. Today we talk about 4G broadband, wifi and wimax. What next?

Clouds

Every cloud has a silver lining

Rabbit in the sky

I just love clouds!

Blue Skies & All Things Nice

Nowadays I spend a lot of time looking at the sky, watching clouds float by. Most of the time, the sky is light blue. After a good dose of rain, it is brilliant blue with white clouds.

I love the different types of clouds - horse tail cirrus, mushroom cumulus and dark & stormy cumulonimbus. Clouds come in all shapes and sizes. At times they resemble animals. Sometimes when the sun is behind a cumulus, I can see a sliver lining - hence, every cloud has a silver lining.

Of course, clouds float around with the help of wind - even the lightest of breeze. It is so nice to feel a storm rising. The wind builds up, trees sway and rustle, the sky darkens ... and suddenly a calm before the storm. Then it pours. Watching the rain fall is so therapeutic. Many a time, I stand at my window and see the water running off the road like a stream, washing away all the dust that is accumulated on the road.

A nice shower and once again, blue skies and all things nice.

Blue Skies and All Things Nice

Nowadays I tend to look at the sky and appreciate what is above us. Most of the time, it is blue with white clouds floating by. Sometimes there are dark clouds full of moisture, ready to fall. The clouds float by with the wind. I see horse tails cirrus, white mushroom cumulus and dark cumulonimbus all the time.

Spend some time looking at the sky and mersemerise.

VermiCulture & Greening the Planet

People nowadays keep calling for a greener planet so that the next few generations to come are able to enjoy the world we have today which is already deteriorating fast. Well, don't just call. Do it now. In my small garden, I have trees, shrubs and flowers covering every inch of ground. At the back patio, in a small 3' x 3' hole which was meant for a water feature, our housekeeper plants herbs.

In containers, I have more plants. And in 2 boxes and a jar, I am composting. I get coffee grounds from Starbucks to feed my plants and worms. We get horse dung from an equestrian club not far from our home. And the worms are nice and fat.

A plant seller who sold us the flame tree we planted in front of our house 10 years ago told us that a sizeable tree is like having 7 air conds in a room on a hot day.

Greening the planet? Start at home. NOW.

Drivers today

A slight diversion from recovery - my observation of drivers these days. Most of them are rushing to god alone knows where. There is no regard to law of the roads - overtaking at double lines, running red lights, not giving way to other drivers who signal to get in line. It is as though they do not see at all. Instead they edge even closer to the car in front like a maniac.

This morning at a traffic light, I saw a black Audi A6 W__268 beside my car with a boy in the front passenger seat without his seatbelt on. The driver, presumably his father is talking on his mobile phone, also without his seatbelt on. Nice car, but no regard for safety. And when the lights went green, ZOOM... off the Audi went, man still on the phone, seatbelts still off.

My boys aged 4, 8 and 10 know that they must put on their seatbelts when they get into the car. They know that when Mommy is driving, Mommy cannot talk on the phone. They are just kids and yet they know about safety. But adults with flashy cars don't.

Why is there uneasiness?

Today I feel rather uneasy. The morning started alright. I got to work on time today (after 3 weeks of being late). Things were cool until several of our colleagues from elsewhere came into our department for snacks and to catch up with one another. The sudden surge of noise and activity level unrattled me.

Similarly yesterday at dinner time, several of my siblings dropped by just as we were going to have our dinner. My brother who was staying with us was joining us for dinner. Two sisters and a brother-in-law came by to pass him some stuff (they were having dinner elsewhere). By the time we settled down at the dinner table, we had 3 guests watching us eat and yarning at the same time. Noise level was up because my sisters tend to talk a bit loud.

From feeling relaxed after gardening, I became a bit tense. Of course, no one noticed it. When every one left later on and I was getting the kids to shower, I noticed that I was getting more tense. My youngest boy started to whine and it annoyed me.

Why am I so affected by what goes on around me? It is always the same thing. It is like I am swarmed by people and my energy level just drops and I lose myself. Why is it so difficult to stay present and aware so that I remain calm?

Benefits of being able work out of office

The company I work for is an international oil company which believes in work life balance and thereby allows staff to work out of office as and when. For that, I am forever grateful. So right now I am working in a Starbucks located in a bookstore. I have been working online for the last 4 hours, having worked in the office in the morning.



For me, working out of office is quite fruitful. I get to focus on my work without interruption and noise. The company has invested so much in IT that I can even go into our servers to obtain data for my work. And apart from emails, we have the internal instant messenger to know who is online and can contact any colleague instantly.

Gardening my way out of the blues

One of the things I did during my recovery from this recent bout of depression was to get back to my garden and gardening which was left unattended when I was down and out. I really got on my knees, started digging into the soil, moving my plants around to create a new look for the garden.

In my garden, there are different types of plants interspersed with river stones collected from Ulu Langat river clearing many years ago. Some of my plants are about 10 years old.

At the same time, I started on vermiculture. Vermi what? Composting and worm farming. Working with soil and worms, I grew to enjoy handling these creatures some people would steer clear of. More about vermiculture in my next article.

How gardening helped lighten the weight

One of the things I worked on while I was recovering from depression was gardening, and I mean really digging into the soil with my hands and getting my nails dirty. I dug out existing plants, worked the soil loose and moved them to where I fancied, and dressed the area with river stones. Weeding and clearing of twigs turned out to be very therapeutic as well.

I trimmed some of the older plants, worked on my bonsai. I even started on vermiculture. Vermi what? Composting and worm farming. I learned to love handling worms during this period. Yes, the icky gooey creatures which some people faint at the very sight. (more on vermiculture in my next update).