Feeling Blue but Hanging On

Yesterday was not a day I would want repeated.  I felt depleted at home.  Kids do not listen and just make a lot of noise.  Derrick says I should not spend money on unnecessary things especially now when I am not working.  He has also asked me to focus on getting to work on internet marketing.  I have drawn a blank.  I feel so hopeless and weepy.  My head feels like a tonne of bricks fell on it.

Despite it all, I am hanging on.  I will work on overcoming this period.

BETTER TO KEEP QUIET

When there is tension, it is better to keep quiet and watch the mind.

Writing my Blues Away

I was in the midst of writing an article on depression for EzineArticles.com when I came to realize that writing about it takes it away.  Writing about the blues is healing, therapeutic.  It is like painting was to Leonardo da Vinci in his depression.  Wow, what a discovery!

DOWN BUT NOT OUT

Yes, I am bruised, my ego is bruised, I fell down but I am not out.  I am here and now.  No matter what Shell says, I am still who I am. Shell is a mere organisation, a man made structure, made up of people, profiteering from Earth's natural resources but I am organic, I am a being.

I choose to stand tall above it all.  

Shell Shocked

I am in turmoil after today's meeting at Shell.  It impacted me so badly that I had to sleep it off.  I have not spoken 2 words since I got home at 3 pm.  I cannot think of anything.  I just need to type in my feelings.

Shell shocked - yes, that is the term.  Could not be more applicable.  Shocked that Shell looked only at their business perspective.  Yes, it is all about profits and contribution again.  Shell which is always finding ways to cut costs and getting higher ROACE.  Other things are just lip service.

Shell shocked out of my mind.  And to think that I continued using Shell!  Maybe it is time to really move on and have Shell completely out of my life.  No more Shell petrol, no more Shell Gas.  End of chapter.

I will now try to achieve calmness and not think of Shell, although I have seashells at home.

What Caused my Depression?

The truth is we will never know but it happened in the times when I suffered most at Shell - my failure of getting a promised promotion, the manner in which it was done, my being pregnant with my 3rd son, and getting back to a job that seemed not to have a future.  One can guess that I have been unfairly treated from the very beginning, that the organisation and its people make empty promises all the time, claiming to be transparent but actually not transparent at all in its dealings pertaining to staff.

I will go on championing the Depressed and hope that one day in the near future, in this world which is becoming so chaotic, Shell and its Management realise that they deal with human beings and not oil fields and rigs which can be cast off when no longer of use.

The Arrogance of Shell

Today I suffered a defeat at Shell.  Shell claims that it has done everything according to its HR policies and the law in my termination.  However, they are willing to provide me with some improved terms.  Their only requirement is that I drop my case at the Industrial Court.

I feel so lost, so sad that it has to come to this.  Now I await the written letter from Shell on what the HR Director told me today and I will see what is the right course of action in the next 2 weeks.

My lament to Shell:  Your snobbery will someday make you pay for your heartlessness and the people who stood in the way will find out one day what it is like to be treated thus.

A Week of Ups and Downs Like Waves in the Sea

The week started pretty badly as I was filled with all sorts of thoughts and emotions.   I was quite lost in them, with my ego pretty much controlling my life.  It was quite difficult to stay aware of what was racing though my mind, how I would resolve the conflict with Derrick.  But I guess only time can heal.  So I left it at that and focused on the boys, reading and gardening.

Derrick then took over Jordan and Johan Thursday and Friday.  I brought Joey to Kiara Park on Friday afternoon to feed the tortoises and fish.  I caught a tortoise and it is now sharing the aquarium in the daytime.  Then I brought Joey fishing at the pond behind Ikea.  We caught 6 flower horns over the last 2 days.

Now the week has ended peacefully.  Just like a storm which clears up.  Now the sea is calm with small waves.

From totally lost to awareness

Yesterday was an experience to remind me again of my own true self.  It started normally.  But somehow by evening, I was tensed and tired again.  After a short nap, I woke up feeling worse off than before.  My chest hurt, especially when I swallowed my food at dinner time.  Then after my shower with the kids all over me, I started to lose my cool.  I cannot remember everything that happened but I just started shouting and screaming at my kids.  I could no longer hold it in.  I felt I was losing it.  I felt like dying.

I locked myself in the back room for a while after asking the boys to leave me alone.  I was lost in my thoughts and emotions.  My ego was feeding on them, making me like a person gone mad.  I started to look at myself, at my thoughts and emotions.  Tears rolled down my cheeks.  I sat so quietly.  My older sons knocked on the door to find out how I was doing.  I let them in but did not talk to them.  They became quiet.

Then I started to read Eckhart Tolle's new book Oneness with All Life.  After reading the first chapter, I decided to re-red his earlier book A New Earth to better understand what had happened to me.  In reading his book, I felt a calmness over me as my ego diminished.  I became aware of my thoughts and emotions, that they are not who I am.  Watching them, I became awareness.

Watching Mamma Mia the Movie with my sons

My sons love Mamma Mia. They love the songs especially Dancing Queen, Mamma Mia, Super Trooper and Waterloo!  They love the dances.

My youngest boy, Joey (4 years old) loves it so much that he has watched it several times.  Of course, I have to watch it with him.  It is such a joy seeing how songs from the 70s and 80s are so enjoyed by the young today.

http://www.mammamiafans.com/

Eckhart Tolle's new book is out

I was at Borders today and found that Eckhart Tolle has just launched his new book after A New Earth.  The book is aptly titled Oneness With All Life.  I browsed through it and of course, he writes with such calmness.  One actually feels his peace exuberating from the book.  

He also has a book for Children - Milton's Secret.  I have not seen it but I think it is somewhat like what Stephen Hawking's George's Secret Key to The Universe.

Go to his website www.eckharttolle.com to find out more.

Down and Out Again

I feel absolutely bruised, drained and hollow after having a face-off with Derrick yesterday. It was over a small matter but he refuses to speak to me since I told him to be more sensitive towards me in moments like this, when it is difficult for me to think properly. I told him that I am different from him, that I work differently from him.

The truth is that he wants me to write a sales letter about this massage tool we want to see through internet marketing. So far, I have not had any inspiration to write it and he says that I am taking far too long. He says that I do nothing all day except watch movies, do gardening, spend time with the boys instead of working on my laptop.

What can I say to this man without getting him upset with me? Maybe I should not say anything more to him, except do as he says. But then again, how do I write about something that I haven't got inspiration for? I can write about so many other things except that god-damned structured sales letter!

Note:  This post was written in anger and frustration.

What keeps me going?

So what keeps me going? What drives me in my situation? Well, apart from yoga, meditation, gardening, reading... now it is being active on internet - writing articles for ezinearticles.com and my blogs, learning about twitter and twittering, going into facebook.

Nature, yes, definitely nature - walks in the mornings, gardening, looking out my window when it rains, looking at the tree just outside my bedroom window.  Sometimes when there is no breeze, the tree is just so still.  Sometimes the leaves move ever so little with the light breeze.  Sometimes the branches move back and forth when the wind builds up.

Apart from spending time with my family, it is the quiet time away from my family when they all lay down to sleep.  It is so quiet you can hear them breathing (with an occasional snore).  The quiet time allows me to really calm down.

Nice Day Out

I woke up feeling dizzy this morning at 7.15 but decided not to get back to sleep as it looked like a nice day outside.  Opened the windows and heard the birds chirping afar.  I have had my breakfast and read today's papers.  My head is still feeling heavy and stuffed but it's ok, let's not waste the day.  So I am feeling blue but there is acceptance.

I have been in touch with some of my new found friends the MMHA Support Group who have been very supportive.  We have even decided to rename the support group to something which sounds more positive and happy rather than Depression Support Group which sounds depressive.  A couple of suggestions have come up - Jolly Club and Just Be.

We do realise that being happy or sad is a choice we all make.  We will always try to be happy despite feeling blue.  Like the Happy Depressive!

MMHA Support Group Meeting Yesterday

I was late for the meeting yesterday.  Got goreng pisang for the group.  There were only 6 of us present - Joe, Hab, Santa, Mei, Aida and I.  We talked about Choosing to be Happy based on what Andrew Mathews teaches.  Yes, we have a choice to be happy or sad.  But what happens when we wake up feeling tensed and having a pounding headache?  Well, I now tend to just look at it and accept it as part of what I have to go through with depression.

Awaiting Shell's HR Director's Views and Verdict

After a meeting with JK on October 29, I am now awaiting the next meeting set for end of the month to hear what he has to say, post his findings.  If nothing comes out of it, the next action takes place.  Industrial Court will call for a representation hearing.  

While some people think that I have to get on with my life, to let go the past with Shell, I need to get this injustice undone and I am doing it with awareness and consciousness.  I am aware of what I am doing, even though it may be painful and seems like I am out to get Shell.  Well, I am not out to get Shell, I just want to make sure that all is fair and well at the end for my family.

Still feeling tired and blue after a night of dreams

After a night of dreams, I awake feeling tired and a bit blue.  I do my yoga and meditate for a short while.  The tiredness and blue feeling lift a bit.  But I still feel like I am far away.  

I had a strange dream that I was staying in an old house, a very big old house.  My room was one in a corner but large.  There were many things in the room but most of it were not mine.  The door to the toilet was a bit strange.  One had to bend down to get into the toilet.  There was another bathroom that had a window open to a view.

In one scene, I was shopping with friends.  Then I was back at the house, now located in a university.  We were all changing into wetsuits to play night volleyball on the beach.

The dream was an exagerated one.  The scenes kept changing without making much sense.  But I guess dreams are like that.

Feeling blue again

I woke up feeling tense and blue today. Why? I do not know. There were no obvious triggers. I just woke up like that after an unrestful sleep. Tossed and turned, woke up twice. The 2nd time I awoke, my body ached so much that I had to do yoga to ease the body back to relaxation. Don't know what time I managed to get back to sleep but I woke up at 8.45 this morning feeling like a tonne of bricks fell on me. My head throbbed and my shoulders ached so much. My eyeballs felt like they were popping out. My jaws felt clenched.

I told Derrick that I needed quiet time alone. After breakfast, I went upstairs to sleep at 10 am with Joey playing by the bed. I woke up again only at 1 pm to have a bite and went back up to sleep again, this time till 3 pm. Why was I feeling so tired?

Went to the library with Derrick after I woke up and flipped through 2 books on gardening until 5 pm. Then I wanted to have a bite as I felt hungry.

We got home at 6 and I watched a bit of TV. Then I walked to school to fetch Johan. We took a slow walk home.

So what caused this blueness? I feel sad and weepy. I thought about life and find that I do have everything, a good husband, 3 wonderful boys (who are very loving but can be very naughty at times), a home with a nice garden... yet I feel empty...

Understanding Tao, I accept that I am going through a blue phase but it leaves a gnawing feeling in the stomach. I feel nausea. What can be done but just to feel it....

New Blog - Coming out of China

After thinking about it for a few days, I decided to create a new blog for my China Trip as it did not seem to fit into my Out of the Blue Blog.  I decided to keep Out of the Blue for my transformation journey.

Coming out of China will be of a different mode, with photos built in.  I hope my visitors will find it interesting to read.