Heart Broken, Total Anger Arises

A few hours ago, I broke down because I felt taken for granted by my family. Everyday, I clean the house, do the laundry, cook dinner, iron the clothes, do gardening, pick up after the boys, even if I am tired. Today was the last straw. The house is messed up after it is cleaned up. Johan and Joey are fighting. Derrick is watching TV. Jordan is away at camp. And I am cooking. Then when I called Derrick to prepare the boys' rice, we realised that I had not cooked the rice. Derrick cooks the rice while I go upstairs to shower (sweaty after gardening and cooking). Then I came down to iron the clothes.

To my exasperation, tears started rolling down my face. I went upstairs quietly to cry. But a storm had brewed. I sobbed and sobbed like my heart was broken. I cried out so much and so loud that I thought I was going crazy. I felt like it was the end of the world. I felt that there was no love anymore in the house. I felt disbelief. I felt so much hurt. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.

I came to a point where I just wanted to give it all up. Then I left the house and went for a walk around the neighbourhood in the dark. I walked and walked and then I came upon Jordan's campfire at school. I went to see him for a while and then I left to continue walking. I walked and walked. Then I came home.

Derrick did not say a word when I walked in. I went to the kitchen to have my dinner and the 2 boys came down quietly. I ignored them and then I started to cry again. I made a cup of coffee and came upstairs. I told them about my anger, my hurt, my feeling that there is no longer any love in the house. They are now asleep while Derrick is still downstairs watching TV. Unreal.

Spiralling Down Again

This week has been a trying week for me. It has been one filled with anger and frustration. My chest feels constricted. I get upset very easily. I feel anger towards everything and everyone when I get into the low.

I seek comfort in my fish and my garden. How happily the goldfish swim in the pond at the backyard.

I can see the changes in my emotions, on how I react to things. It sometimes feels so alien, like I am no longer myself. Depression is so dark.

Anger - To Suppress or To Express?

I experienced burning anger the last few days over several events. It started as a small flame of bewilderment over what a supposed learned person (psychiatrist) said. This person in 5 minutes of talking with me was able to decide my future. This person judged me.

As the day went on, the bewilderment slowly turned into frustration and anger. How dare he judge me in that 5 minutes? He is supposed to be an expert in his field. I was drained of energy just thinking about it. Then hours later, I experienced the 2nd wave of anger. This time, it was explosive. I shouted at 6 young men playing with a remote control car in the playground and running over flowers planted by residents. Told them to go destroy their moms' garden. Some of them sniggered and I got even more annoyed and asked them if they have mothers, that they should learn to be more respectful.

At this time, I was very aware of the raw anger in me. It was frightening that I was shouting on top of my voice and my sister who was with me got worried. She told me to leave them alone.

When I saw my shrink yesterday, I told him what had happened. He told me to let it go (i.e., let SOCSO incapacity pension claim go). I told him I had every right to apply for it as I had fulfilled some of the criteria. He told me not to compare with other more developed countries, that it would be very difficult and stressful for me to continue the fight. I told him I would continue to fight because if people just accepted the current situation, then we will never become a developed nation. The mentally ill are also people who have rights. And no doctor is going to deny us that just because he thinks that I am not incapacitated.

Now thinking about it (and after screaming at my youngest son for being selfish), I wonder if it is better to suppress anger or to express it?