Dungun to SS2, Petaling Jaya, December 22

Derrick and I loaded the car with all our stuff, including my driftwood and the fish.  We checked out of David and Cherry's place at 9am, had breakfast at Kemasik, and then headed for home.  It was good to be home.

We unloaded the car, got the fish into the aquarium, packed away our stuff at 3.  Then Jordan and Johan were  back to their routine - Tuition.  I cleaned up the house wherever I could and did the laundry.  We were too tired to cook so we had dinner at Peel Road (satay, pau and noodles).

It was good to be back to sleep in our own room after a week of travelling ;-)  Home Sweet Home!

Today, Derrick put up the new retractable laundry poles while I cleared the patio.  The backyard looks nice now with proper laundry poles and the front porch looks neat with things in place.  I cooked spaghetti for lunch and roast chicken ( Jamie Oliver's recipe) for dinner.  Did lots of ironing too.

Rantau Abang and Dungun, December 21

After breakfast, Derrick and I brought Joey to Dungun's market, sat by the river and visited a fishing village (chatted with a fisherman).  Rantau Abang beckoned us for a visit after we gave it a miss yesterday as Cherry needed to get back to Dungun.  So we took a drive there at 3pm, intending to visit the Turtle Sanctuary and buy some fresh water fish.  After asking people how to get to the Turtle Sanctuary, we got to the beach, crossing a wooden bridge over a river of brackish water.  The turtles were beautiful.  There were mature ones as well as baby turtles.  Took lots of photos.  Then we walked on the Rantau Abang beach which stretched for miles.  Collected more driftwood.  It was Kayley's first visit to Rantau Abang and to see turtles.

We all agreed (including Kayley) that Rantau Abang has about the best beach in Terengganu (and of course, Peninsula Malaysia).  We got our fresh water fish (now in my aquarium) and headed back to Dungun.  We stopped by Pantai Bidara, just beside Tanjung Jara Resort, for the boys to see a cave.

Finally we got to Dungun beach at 6.30 where we were the day before to see how the sea waves battled with water flowing out of the river.  Someone had left some logs and drift wood burning on the beach.  We decided to build the fire for the kids to enjoy a bonfire on the beach.  The fire looked so beautiful in the dark. We stayed on the beach by the fire until 8pm.  We got back to Cherry's place and she had cooked up a fantastic dinner for us.  Steamed kampung chicken, prawns, steamed fish - yummy.

After dinner and everyone showered, I packed up the luggage and cleared the car of sand, arranged the driftwood.  I was dead tired after that and retired at 11.

Dungun and Kuala Terengganu, December 20

We went to KT with Cherry and Kayley after breakfast (nasi dagang, nasi lemak, kuih).  The drive was so interesting.  We passed stalls selling fresh water fish in bags after Rantau Abang.  We did not stop anywhere as Cherry needed to be back at Dungun at 2.30 to take care of David's shop.  In KT, we dropped by the Hospital for Cherry to collect David's medicine.  Then we went to Kampung China.  I was excited to be there again.  We walked Chinatown all the way to the market to look for keropok lekor and BB guns for the boys.  We found 2 in the market and paid RM9 a pc and got spare bullets.

Derrick showed the boys where his grandfather used to stay.  Driving out of Chinatown, we passed a shop selling toys.  I got out to check out for more BB guns and found better ones at RM15 a pc with bottles of bullets.  We got 2.  Then we drove around KT a bit before heading back to Dungun.  We dropped Cherry at the shop and went to eat fried stuff at Pink House on Dungun beach.  After dropping Kayley at home and resting, we went to Dungun beach just 5 minutes from Cherry's house.  The boys had fun on the beach, where  there was a river flowing out to sea.  We watched the waves from the sea fighting the outflowing water from the river.  The waves were some 2 metres high.  I collected some more drift wood.

Derrick made the boys instant noodles as we were not hungry from our afternoon snack at Pink House.  We went to bed late again after deciding to stay in Cherry's place a 3rd night.

Kijal to Dungun, December 19

We left Awana at 11am to have a slow drive to Dungun.  I wanted to visit a Turtle Sanctuary at Pantai Ma' before getting into Paka from Kerteh.  It was a mistake, the path into the sanctuary was so bad that we could not proceed down the slope and we got stuck trying to reverse up.  The rear tires could not grip the gravel road.  I had to call Toyota Assist to get a tow truck from Dungun.  We waited an hour before the tow truck arrived.  Derrick and I walked out to the main road to wait for it to come, and it rained intermittently.

We were finally on the way to Dungun at 2.30.  What a relief!  We had late lunch, lekor and laksa Terengganu.  Then we went round and round looking for 76, Jalan Sri Dungun (David and Cherry's house).  We kept missing the turn and after calling David for final directions, found it in 2 minutes.

David was home to welcome us.  We unloaded the car while the boys watched Astro and signed in on Internet.  Cherry came home with Kayley and nice keropok lekor at 6.30pm.  We went out for dinner and the food took ages to come.  The boys were so hungry.  In a flash, dinner was over and we went back to Cherry's house.  We all slept late.

Awana Kijal, December 18

We walked on the beach before breakfast.  I had breakfast with the boys (2 breakfast vouchers - 1 for me, 1 for Jordan and Johan, Joey ate for free) while Derrick went to Kemasik for his.  I must say the food at Awana Kijal was not fantastic at all.  The nasi dagang was not nice, the nasi lemak so-so.  But the boys loved it.

After breakfast and a short rest, we brought our kites to the beach for them to fly.  There was a short and heavy shower as we started flying the kites so we hid ourselves in shelters until it stopped raining.  We flew the kites again and walked on the beach.  Then we took a drive to Pantai Kemasik for keropok lekor and a walk on the beach.  Took loads of photos, found drift wood and coral washed ashore.  Jordan and Johan headed for the swimming pool in the afternoon.  They had loads of fun, playing with other hotel guests.

Tekam to Awana Kijal, December 17

I woke up early to go for a walk to the weather station, passed some cocoa trees.  En Ismail was doing reading of the different apparatus, measuring rainfall and such.  We chatted for a while and I asked about the various apparatus and how they worked.  Then I walked back to our chalet to see if everyone was awake.  I plucked a ripe cocoa fruit to show the boys.

Everyone was awake and we all headed for breakfast.  There was less people at breakfast.  Jordan surfed the net for a while and then we headed back to our chalet to pack up.  We checked out at 11am and headed for Maran.  The road to Maran was very windy but there was hardly any traffic.  We passed by a very beautiful Hindu temple at Kampung Kuala Sentul en route to Maran.  (re http://mysticaltemplesofmalaysia.blogspot.com/2008/08/sri-marathandavar-bala-dhandayuthapani_20.html)  Unfortunately we did not stop and I did not manage to take photos of the beige coloured temple.  I will make it back to that temple one day.

We got on to the East Coast Expressway at Maran at noon and took 1.5 hours to get to Kemaman for lunch at the Floating Cafe.  It rained while we were eating.  Then we rushed to Awana Kijal to check in after dropping our laundry at the laundrette and picking up KFC lunch for Jordan whose chicken chop was not done at Kemaman.

After resting for a while (me and Derrick), the boys tuned in to Disney Channel and played Plants vs Zombies on the netbook.  Then it was swimming and beach time.  I left Jordan and Johan at the pool and walked the beach with Joey while Derrick stayed in the room to rest.  The sea was really rough and the wind literally howled.  The winds did not slow down, instead accelerated into the night.  There was a blackout after dinner from 8.30 to 9.30pm.  I was dead tired so I slept first.  The rain fell through the night and the wind rattled the window panes.

Tekam Day 2, December 16

We all went for breakfast at 8.  The food was simple, only a few dishes but all tasted good.  Then it was off the the Herb Farm for a walk about.  We were shown quite a number of herbs including vanilla!  But the boys did not enjoy it.  They complained of the morning heat, sunny at 10am.  We made it short and then headed for Gelanggi Caves.  We did one easy cave as the boys were not too keen about caving.  However, they liked the cool breeze blowing at the cave entrance, after a long stairs climb.

We then took a drive around Jerantut to have a look at this town which leads to Taman Negara.  Sad to say, there was nothing much to see.  There was not many pre-war buildings, which is what we would have loved to see.  There wasn't even anything good to eat.  We walked the market and got some nettings to replace our torn fishing nets.

We headed back for Tekam as the boys wanted to go swimming.  Got them to the pool at 3 and they stayed till 6, with a burger break in between.  It rained again in the evening while they were swimming.  That cooled the evening.  After showering, we walked to Garden Terrace for dinner and had kampung fried rice, tea and sirup bandung.  Delicious.  The sky was not as starry as the 1st night, nonetheless it was a beautiful cool night.

Tekam Plantation Resort Day 1 - A Different World

Our stay started with a power failure.  A tree had fallen on to TNB's cable just outside the plantation.  So we had to sit and wait.  While Derrick brought Joey to have a look at the fish pond, and while Jordan and Johan stayed in the room to play on the netbook, I took a walk in the resort area at midday.  Took some photos of the plantation as it looked so good.  After walking for some time, Derrick came driving by and picked me up.  We went back to Chalet No 49 and found that Jordan had gone looking for me.  He called me on the mobile from reception for us to pick him up.  The power supply came back on at about 3pm and soon the boys wanted to go swimming.  I dropped Derrick and Joey at the fishing pond, drove to the swimming pool with Jordan and Johan who went straight into the pool.  I sat down beside the pool to read a book.  It was hot!

I picked Joey up from the fishing pond at about 4.30 for him to join the bigger boys to swim, and went back to collect Derrick at 5 as it was threatening to rain.  Luckily for him, I picked him on time.  By the time we got to the swimming pool, it started to rain.  And it poured.

Derrick joined the boys in the pool in the rain while I waited for them beside the pool, reading.  After some snacks, a couple of burgers and sausages, we decided it was time to get back to the chalet at 7pm.  We had cup noodles for dinner.

We went for a walk after dinner to the reception, Jordan wifi-ed there while Johan and I had tea.  There were so many stars that night that we totally enjoyed the walk back.  Cicadas and crickets were the only creatures chattering away in the silent night.

The Last One Week (Holiday for the Boys) - Tekam Plantation Resort

We decided very much in the last minute last week to bring the boys for a holiday as they had only three weeks before going back to school.  Derrick had bought some MATTA fair vouchers in September so we called Felda's Tekam Plantation Resort for 2 nights' stay (Dec 15-17) and Awana Kijal (Dec 17-19).  Derrick also called his aunt Cherry at Dungun to say that we will be coming over for a couple of nights.

We started packing on Monday, clothes, fishing gear, food stuff and whatever else needed for a long driving holiday.  The car was packed in on Monday night and we all left for Jerantut Tuesday morning at 7am.  We reached Temerloh Rest Area for breakfast at 9am before we got off at Chenoh Exit to travel on the Jenka to Jerantut trunk road.  We passed so many Felda estates in Jenka, one of the earliest Felda settlement.

We got to Jerantut and realised that we should have turned right instead of left at the T-junction leading to Jerantut on the west and Maran on the right.  We doubled back and I got so stressed up because Derrick said it was my fault we missed the turn.  I broke down in the car at Tekam.  We got to our chalet No 49 at 2pm and there was no electricity!  Oh no, power failure.  

Why Can't I Just Stay Present?

I am feeling down the dumps right now.  My eyes are swollen from too much sobbing last night.  What happened?  I was feeling drained and toning down for the day, preparing for bed.  Jordan and Joey started to argue over an eraser.  Joey had taken Jordan's eraser and refused to return it.  Jordan was upset.  I had to coax Joey into returning the eraser which he did so reluctantly.  Then I sat down to be quiet for a while.  Joey wanted me to read with him and I started crying.  I sobbed and sobbed, feeling so much hurt in my heart.  It felt broken. I wrote a note for Jordan and Johan to read about my broken heart.

I do not question why  my kids argue.  I question why I respond to situations like this, every time it happens, I cry and cry.  I beg them not to fight anymore, to listen when I tell them to stop.  I implored.

Dear Lord, I am at wits end trying to be a good mother.  I cook and I keep the house clean yet there is no appreciation.  The boys just mess up the house.  I keep telling them to help out by picking up their stuff and doing simple chores like hanging up the laundry but excuses after excuses, grumblings after grumblings.  Even Johan complaints and whines when I ask him to help out.  They only listen to Derrick who is ever present.

Why can't I be present?  Why can't I stay present?  Why do I react to situations at home?  Why do I even react to the boys' antics?  I should know better than that.

I want peace but I do not have peace inside of me.  Peace seem to have left me, just like wisdom.  Dear Lord, please help me regain myself and retain my sanity.

MMHA DSG Meeting Today

I suddenly remembered at 3pm that the support group meeting is on today.  I rushed over and got there at 3.20 to see the session just starting.  I shared with the group our engagement with Stephen Jambunathan next month.  Then we watched a video which Harp downloaded from internet re CBT in Australia, hosted by comedian and long time sufferer of depression.

We then continued the meeting to talk about CBT and other therapies to manage depression.  It was kind of decided that our meetings in future will not just focus on depression but include some outdoor activities.

All On My Own by Susan Boyle

When I heard the song sung by Susan, I was so touched because it is what my heart feel.

Susan Boyle is an Amazing Being

Hailing from a village somewhere in Scotland, Susan Boyle went against all odds (after being rejected so often) to appear in Britain's Got Talent.  And she cowed everyone, including Simon Cowell.  She has an angelic voice which comes from her heart.  She wanted to surprise everyone and she surprised herself by the torrent of fans all over the world viewing her on Youtube.  And her album is a collection of beautiful songs.  Susan, you are truly an amazing being, God's gift to us in troubled times.

It shows us that God acts in the most mysterious way.

Today December 10th

The day started well.  It is a beautiful hot day.  Did the housework while Derrick brought Joey fishing.  Johan was home, playing on the laptop part of the morning, watching TV rest of morning.  Cooked maccorroni for lunch after fetching Jordan.  Jordan and Johan are now at tuition, having steamboat.

Alone at home, I am surfing the web, doing stuff on facebook, listening to Josh Groban, now updating my blog.  Inside, I am feeling kinda sad.  There is a feeling of loneliness, emptiness.  Yet I know God is everywhere.

My back has been hurting since Maranatha.  Been doing yoga stretches to release the pain.

Advent and Christmas

Tis fast approaching Dec 25, when we celebrate (remember) the birth of Christ Jesus.  Let us remember that the world (then Jews) rejected the coming of the Messiah, with Angels calling on shepherds in the fields and the 3 wisemen, while Baby Jesus was born in a stable and placed on a manger (a place where animals are butchered) as there were no rooms in the inns.  Christmas is about remembering that He was born to Virgin Mary and Joseph as a human, destined to die on the cross in order to save mankind, not about Santa Claus and Christmas trees.  Of course, what is Christmas without the commercialism?

Conflict of the Heart and the Mind

For years, both my heart and mind have been at war, each speaking to me in different languages.  And for years, I have been "suffering from depression".  All the noise in me and the external noise have caused so much confusion (for the lack of a better word).  I have journeyed to find my self, to understand my self.  I grew up asking the same questions, Who am I!  Why am I me?  I would peer into the mirror and look deep into my eyes to see me.

Now while I am still "in depression, I understand and accept the conditions as part of life.

Poetry of Love and God

Love is God in Nature. 

God is everywhere in everything and everyone. 

God is always with us in us. 

God is part of me. 

God is all of me.


Be still and know that I am God.

Thomas Merton and me

Today, I found Thomas Merton.  I was looking at Osho's autobiography at Borders and found the book Seeds, and started to go through the bookshelves looking for whatever books there were by him.  I finally chose Dialogues with Silence as his writings reflect my feelings a lot.  He has explored all religions, much like myself, and he is so open about the different teachings.

Immediately I called my sister Helen to ask her about him, a Trappist monk.  Of course, she knows about him as she has one of his books, Seven Steps Mountain.

I am kind of happy and relieved that I have found another Catholic priest (besides Anthony De Mello) who found his way like I am finding my way now.  For so long, I thought I was a prodigal daughter, a lost sheep.  Now I understand that I have been soul searching, trying to reconnect with God (The Supreme Being, The Ultimate, The Essence, The Source, the I Am, The Tao...).  I now feel close to God (the Catholic understanding) because He is part of me.

Maranatha - Sunday

I penned down my thoughts in the morning ~ Coming for this retreat, I thought would give me peace of mind.  But I am now feeling more confused, full of questions about what I believe in, whether I am doing right or wrong.  I feel more turmoil now, more thoughts of uncertainty, more headache.

I want to go back to the stillness inside, back to who I truly am.  I feel unsettled, feathers ruffled.  BRUSH IT OFF.  Accept what is.  Agree to disagree.  That is what life is all about - finding self.  We lose ourselves and we find ourselves.

I felt better after writing down my thoughts and the sun shines strong in the cool air.

At lunch, I felt touched by God.  I enjoyed the meal and good thoughts game by.  I looked at the trees and everything is as it is.  Everything is in its place.  Even the frogs in the pond.  I feel so much love in nature.

Nature is so forgiving, Nature is so adapting, Nature is so accommodating, Nature is God.

The seeds of the dandelion float in the air, carried by light breeze in the sun.

I was in conflict with my self (thoughts, feelings).

Now I am at peace with my self (light).

The beauty of this place radiates with love and light.  The beauty of this place radiates with God.

In the noise of our minds, in the stillness of our hearts.

Thank you for your wonder.

Thank you for your space.

Thank you for talking to me in your language of love and silence.

I am at peace with myself.  There are no more thoughts, just a sense of fulfillment.  I was angry yesterday.  I wanted to read more earlier on.  I feel I need not do more now.

I felt light when I arrived.  I felt heavy when I was upset.  I feel both light and heavy now.  No more questions.

Rejoice!

Maranatha - Saturday

Was awake from 5 am, brushed my teeth, showered (coooldddd.... brrr...) and went down to read and reflect. When the sun came up, I saw 2 hornbills flying off from their roost on a tall durian tree.  I went for a stroll to see the big house next door which had a couple of noisy barking dogs.  The dogs seem not a natural part of Janda Baik, introduced by humans.  Their incessant barking seem out of place in the still of the place. Time flew by quickly and soon it was breakfast time.  We had simple fried meehoon and toast.  This time onward, we all ate silently with light meditation music in the background and the jungle sounds.

The day went on well until I asked the Spiritual Director a question about the Bible and why so many words were needed to preach the Old Testament (which seemed not relevant, having names of people and places of pre-Christ), and it being translated so often with changing words and meanings.  It led me to ponder and have more questions.

I did not take Fr David's response too kindly and got into an anger mode, not so much with Fr David but rather with the Church.  I have chosen to stay away from Church from young as the Church (through its nuns, priests and rituals) did not provide me answers to questions I had posed then.  We were raised and the Bible states that God is a violent, punishing God.  I have always believed that God is ever loving, ever forgiving; that God is everywhere in everything and everyone; that we are all one.  Yet the Church seem to tell me that I do not understand and not to ask too many questions.

My mind was in torment and turmoil.  I felt so confused, so out of place, so unbelonged.  I retreated into myself.  That was to be a revelation.

My Experience at Maranatha - Friday evening

Helen and I arrived at Maranatha rather excited on Friday evening.  The drive there from SS2 had been easy via DUKE highway.  We got a little lost at Janda Baik and after circling twice and asking the security guard, we found the retreat house at Persiaran Pine (2nd right after guardhouse).

The weather was cool and we were hungry.  The smell of dinner cooking oozed out of the kitchen into the cool air in front of the house.  We got the room keys (No 305), went upstairs to drop our bags and went back down to the dining hall.  We introduced ourselves to the other retreatants and then got the food.  Hmm... food never tasted so good in the cold.  We all ate noisily (not smacking lips) chattering away with new found friends. I noticed the noise in the dining and the sounds that were coming from the jungle surrounding the house.  The birds, monkeys and cicadas were chattering away as well but in a more harmonious manner.

Fr David had a short session with us after dinner to kick off the retreat.  We all went our way to read and reflect.  I chose to be in the dining hall, with a hot cup of Milo, the Bible, my diary and my shawl.

Luke 6:20-6:23

Then lifting his eyes to his disciples, Jesus said,
"Fortunate are you who are poor, the kingdom of God is yours.
Fortunate are you who are hungry now, for you will be filled.
Fortunate are you who weep now, for you will laugh.
Fortunate are you when people hate you, when they reject you
and insult you and number you among criminals, because of the Son of Man.
Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, for a great reward is kept for you in heaven.

Maranatha Retreat House, Janda Baik

It was a nice cool stay at the retreat house with daily temperature between 18 and 22 degrees Celcius. Birds, monkeys and cicadas sing through the day. We were lucky it did not rain otherwise it would have been colder.

The silent retreat (A Place For God) was led by Fr David Townsend and there were 14 retreatants including me and my sister Helen. We met with Harold Gomez again. He was with the same retreat group in August 2008 (Healing the Pains of the Past with Fr Philip Chircop).

I had some personal experience this time again and will write more in the next post.

Tiredness and Tension

Feeling extremely tired and tense. Glad to be going to Maranatha Retreat House at Janda Baik for the weekend. A silent retreat is always good for the soul. To be in touch with nature..

Dr Khatijah at UMMC

My first appointment with Dr Khatijah this morning. Getting to UMMC from home was real quick, getting into the carpark and getting a spot was another thing. The multilevel carpark at UMMC is so poorly designed. After circling the building up to 5th floor, a car was coming out and I got in. Then I found my way to the Main Tower 1st floor - The Psychiatric Department.

I registered myself at 10.30 and got to see Dr Khatijah straight away. She spent an hour getting to know me and how I got into depression. We talked about my recent manic attack, about work at Shell, about my childhood. Talking about work at Shell made me sad and weepy all at once. I apologized for crying but she said she understood. She asked me questions in a very structured manner, finding as much as she could about incidents and how I felt. I am able to confide in her.

She will call me for the next appointment. And I see Dr Jambunathan on Monday.

The Weather

It's a cool morning
drizzling for a while.
Even Mother Nature needs to cry sometimes.
It refreshes the Earth.
So sometimes it is sunny
and sometimes it rains.
The Earth needs both to stay green.
So there is nothing wrong
with going in and out of depression
or going in and out of happiness.
They are just natural
like the seasons.

Going from Up to Down and Up again

Each month (even each day), I experience the ups and downs like a yoyo. I see myself going from normal to high to low so often that it seems like part of me. Of course, reading Osho books make me realize that this is what my first self (aka ego) is all about, my personality. I see me reacting to stuff. I start the day on facebook (ego), do the house chores which can be very meditative. Then I tend to my garden and fish, nature heals. At times, I get over confident (manic) and it is pretty scary. It is like there are 2 or 3 of me, in different parts of the day or month.

I have been cooking meals for my family and I find cooking quite therapeutic. But then most evenings, after a long day, I tend to get upset with my family easily. There is an expectation that family members chip in whenever they can. There is a feeling that I am taken for granted. I get angry, and then I break down in tears. The whole house emanates with a negative charge when I get into that mode. Fortunately I get out of that mode fast.

A Visit To UMSC To Meet Dr Jambunathan

Today, I saw Dr Stephen Jambunathan at UMSC, some 4 months after Dr Brian Ho of UPM, Kajang Hospital, referred me to UMMC. I was at the waiting area of 3rd floor from 2pm, waited in line behind 7 others. I was feeling tired from a poor night's sleep and house chores earlier on. Read a book while waiting. It was cold. My turn to see the Professor came at 4.

The first thing he asked was why was I there to see him. Some tears rolled down my cheeks when I told him that I was referred to see him at UMMC by Dr Ho but made no attempt earlier as I was not sure I would work well with him. I told him about how Dr Ho no longer wanted to see me as his patient. He seemed to understand and mentioned something about inferences. He read the photocopy of the referral letter and then told me that today was not a good day to have a full session. He then suggested that I start seeing one of his MOs Dr Khatijah as a study case, and he will be directly involved in my treatment. I am to see her once a week, starting tomorrow at 10am at UMMC.

I went on telling him bits and pieces of events which have recently happened and how I hoped he could help me deal with my issues. He said he would consider having the MMHA DSG meet at his clinic at UMMC for a session with him. He also said that I can come to see him anytime I needed to and gave me his name card and wrote down his mobile number in case I needed to talk with him. Beside seeing Dr Khatijah tomorrow, I see him next week on Monday for a full session.

The session today cost me RM130, excluding medication.