Love and Light

This is what my meditation teacher Shihan Goh used to teach us.

I am in touch with my real self.

I think and act positively and creatively in my daily life.
I receive love and light in abundance and I radiate love and light everywhere I go and to everyone I meet so that there is more love and light circulating on Planet Earth.

With the economic crisis, environmental pollution and political instability all around, I pray for love and compassion in everyone to all things great and small.  After all, there is only 1 Earth, 1 Human Race, 1 Lifetime.

Clearing Old Clothes

I finally decided to clear out some old clothes which have been piling up in storage boxes.  I packed away the boys' baby clothes and clothes the boys have outgrown.  I also put away some of my old clothes particularly the maternity ones.  There are some 16 bags to be sent away to poor children.  Helen will collect some for her church poor next week.

I neatened the linens yesterday.  I have to go through my wardrobe soon to put away working clothes which I will not wear anymore for charity.

Next change - our big storeroom full of old unsold flowers.  Out with the old stuff, occupying space and gathering dust.

With this clearing out of old things, I hope to clear out old repetitious thoughts as well, to make space for new things.

My Birthday 3 Days Past

It was a typical Sunday.  Jordan and Johan had slept over at Kok Eu's house for the last time as his family is moving away from SS2.  So it was Joey, Derrick and me at home all morning.  I started to clear the boys' toys and put away the unused or spoilt ones.  Then the books were rearranged.  I must say the shelves look much better now.

Helen and Mary came over at 6pm and we had a nice dinner at New Paris - pork trotter, lemon chicken, sweet and sour pork, claypot tow foo and vegetables.  Then we came home for ice cream and durian.

As it was Sunday night, Helen and Mary did not stay too late.  Soon it was bedtime for the boys.

There were plenty of birthday greetings on facebook.  I replied most of them.  It is nice to be remembered.

Of Late ... (again)

Of late, I have been spending quality time with Derrick.
Of late, I have been meeting up with three friends for tea.

Of late, I have been writing my journal on a daily basis.

Of late, I have been starting the day with a positive thought.

Of late, I have been giving thanks at the end of the day.

Two Rivers by Tony Buzan in Embracing Change

Been reading a lot of books on change, including Tony Buzan's Embracing Change.  Interesting read to share - Chapter 4 Your Vision of Change page 63-64 :

Two Rivers
Where rivers meet and join, you would think that there would be a synergetic fusing and multiplying of the energies, but what actually happens is complete turmoil...  There are unexpected and dizzying waterspouts, tremendous whirlpools, tumultuous waves, eddies venturing backwards as well as forwards - all kinds of chaos and turmoil resulting from the coming together of these energetic forces.  Look a little further downstream, and you will see that the two giant energies have synthesized, worked out their joint energies into a single, much greater multiplied ongoing energy...  Equanimity often requires disruption in order to establish it on a larger, broader, deeper, more profound and fundamental basis... Once you have combined your energies,in a congruent manner, there will tend to be greater depth and calmness in the relationship...  Groups of people fighting (for whatever cause) will follow the same pattern of the two rivers metaphor...If the process of change is not managed well (by leaders of the country and the religious), then disruption accelerates, the river's banks will be flooded, there will be a powerhouse of destruction and untold damage - until the source of the energy stabilizes again.


This, I feel, is so true whenever two cultures or religions meet and clash.  However, it is good to note that there is calm at the end.


All things said, Change is necessary and we need to be persistent to go through it.  After all, that is what life is all about.

Awareness and Presence

I have been keeping my senses up these days with a few intervals of being lost in thoughts.  I start the day with a positive thought about the morning and take note of my surroundings.  I helps keep the thoughts at bay and I only work with thoughts that are productive.  The course of the day is rather routine, with chores in the morning, a bit of internet surfing and facebook.  The floors are swept and mopped if sticky.  The clothes are washed and hung up in the sun.  The fish are fed.  Then it is some free time to read or write.

Joey comes home at 12.30 and it is best to keep him happy so that there is little opportunity for a face-off and a tantrum.  Jordan stays in school until 3.30 as the school prepares Std 6 students for UPSR.  Johan comes back at 1.30 Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and 3.30 on Mondays and Thursdays (extra class and co-curricular activities).  Thereafter, he goes for tuition at 4.  Jordan attends tuition 5.30 to 7pm and Johan comes home after Jordan is sent.

In between, I may read or tend to the fish or the garden.  Then it is dinner preparation as dinner is typically at 7.15 after Jordan comes back.  Ironing is done in between dinner preparation and after dinner.  Then dining and kitchen are swept and mopped if sticky.  The day slows down with a bit of TV (news at 8) and then it is shower time and more reading as the boys settle down for the day.  Bedtime for the boys is 9.30 while I go to bed at about 10.30.

And the whole time, I stay awake and aware of my thoughts, emotions, actions.  I end the day with a prayer of thanks and a positive thought.

Change is my Life Journey

Since January 1 2010, CHANGE is my life journey.  Each day, I awake with a word of thanks and a word of welcome.  I note the beauty of the day, whether it is cloudy and cool or sunny and hot.  I note the birds chirping outside.  I note the breeze teasing the leaves on the tree just outside my window.

On Wednesday, when I was at the bank, I accidentally scratched another person's car.  I got out of my car, rushed to the young man and apologized for the incident.  He was so nice to say "It's OK, it's just a small scratch."  Wow, I was so relieved and thanked the young man for his kindness.  Then I was on my way to UMMC for my talk therapy with Dr Khatijah.

I now believe that change is good.

So What Is My Story?

Yesterday a friend shared a most incredible experience with me - she survived a life-threatening event and lived. I was so touched and thought how small and insignificant is my story, my depression.  To this friend, a god sent angel, thank you for sharing.  You are indeed strong and beautiful.

Since the turn of the year, on January 1, I decided to make a change in my life, to see things more optimistically, more positively, to be thankful of who I am, thankful for what I have.  Indeed, I am blessed...

Of course, I know that depression will not just go away.  It will need lots of work considering all the conditioning in my mind.  The way I think has to change.  The way I respond (not react) to situations will have to change.  I will need to think twice about everything I do.  And I have to have faith in life, in God, in myself.  Because at the end of the day, only I can help myself.

2010 marks the change in my attitude in life, my behaviour, my thoughts, my actions.  I will turn 46 on January 24th and I will leave behind in memories my stories.

I am love and light.  I am here to live an ordinary life externally and to live an extraordinary life internally.  I will reconnect with my soul wholeheartedly.  I will rejoice the awakening of each day.  I will live life as it was intended and enjoy it as it was intended.  Because life is worth living.

Into the Deep Abyss Again and Out

I plunged into the deep dark abyss of depression again Dec 29 after seeing Dr Khatijah and was in it for 3 dark lonely days.  I cried so much, I was hoarse.  I couldn't say what was troubling me but I was feeling so down in the dumps.  I got angry with the boys.  I shouted at everyone at home.  It was so ugly.  I felt totally unhappy, sad, hurt.  This is the cross I have to carry until I am raised.  I called out to Derrick and God for help.

Depression sucks me dry of energy.  There is so much ache and pain in my body that I cannot understand, so much "sourness".  Much like the pain our Planet is in.  So much anger and hurt, so much resentment.  And feel it I must.  By feeling it totally, can I overcome it.  Little by little, the grip it has on me will loosen and peace will come.  In fact, peace is in me.  I just don't feel it.

I was lost in my story, so lost, like the Prodigal son, the lost sheep.  I couldn't see the light, see the way home.  I looked and looked and then realized that I have been looking with blinkered eyes, judgement, It is how I perceived my situation.  There is realization, an awakening - I have eyes and yet I do not see.  I have ears and yet I do not hear.  Lost, lost in the maya, drama.

Oh, to be filled with love and peace and joy.