Deeply Connected To Earth?

It seems strange but I feel that the blue weepy feeling is tied to Earth.  I was feeling blue Friday and the whole of Saturday when a major earthquake hit Chile.

I need to check and validate if it is true, that each time I get the feeling, there is a major earthquake somewhere on the planet.  Did I sense it coming?  Why did I not know?  Why did I not trust my inner self telling me that something is going to happen?  I felt blue before the 2004 Tsunami, the earthquake that hit Java in 2006, the earthquake that hit China in 2008.  I wonder???

Into The Darkness Again

The last couple of days have been rather dark days for me even though there was nothing that happened.  I suddenly felt blue all over again, post a meltdown on CNY Day 3.  I thought I was over the darkness but somehow it overwhelmed me again.

I talked with Derrick this morning to tell him that I am feeling blue and he told me not to challenge it, just to look at it and accept it.  I shed some tears as my head was feeling to tensed, my chest constricted.  I was choking, suffocating.  People ask why I suffer depression.  I don't know why, I just feel blue, choking, weepy.

People say take it easy, but when the boys are naughty and making too much noise, I blow.  Somehow, I cannot accept the noise.  I stare into emptiness when I get too tired.  At times, I think I am cracking up as I have no control over my thoughts.  They just go on and on like clouds in the sky, like waves in the ocean.  I am lost in those useless thoughts, they are so tiresome, so tiring.  And when my head is just too tensed, I stop thinking and feel numb.  That is when the choking sensation starts, the weepiness.

People say they understand, but when the crunch come, they seem not able to help.  And that is when I really want to be left alone.  I withdraw into myself.  Strangely, I know I have to accept and that I have to heal myself but at the crunch, it all dissolves and I am completely lost in the choking sensation.  There is no way to get out of that feeling, so Derrick said to just feel it.  There is so much pent-up energy waiting to be released.  And when the moment is right, it all gushes out in tears and frustration.  Then comes the silence.

Just as day turns into night, my thoughts and emotions go from light to dark.  I am aware that this is happening and there is nothing I can do about it except to watch it rise.  And the best way for me to let it go is to go somewhere where I am alone and write it all down, in this case type it all done.  Then the ego and the pain body who are buddies slide into the shadows again, leaving me tired and without thought.

Solitary Creature, Once In A While Living In Groups

When I read my son's science book about Living Things Living Together or in Solitary, I realized that it relates to me, that I am both.  Sometimes I like being with others, sometimes I just want to be alone.  Most of all, I like being with nature because nature is so healing.  I love trees, I love being out among plants.  They are just so, unlike me.  I am so full of contradictions.  I find being with people very superficial.  I get superficial as well.  My ego loves engaging and if it finds the situation unbearable, it just goes berserk.

I understand how some people react in crowds.  I understand how sometimes a lone gunman takes down people, because something in them just blow and they go berserk.  It is man's inability to adapt and change with how the world is moving.  I understand that because sometimes I just lose it.  I lose myself in the world of thought.  I worry myself to death, I judge too hastily.  Without realizing, I sometimes get into situations I often would avoid getting into.  Which is why I prefer not to engage with people because I develop a distorted view of the world and when I cannot accept, I suffer a meltdown.

I am a solitary creature, preferring to be alone.  I find peace in doing my house chores on weekdays, when the boys are at school.  I find peace in ironing the clothes as I am focussed on it.  I find peace in cooking except when my young son comes to "disturb" my peace.  I try to accept the situation as it is just like that with having kids.  Sometimes I am successful in being calm and collected but sometimes I shoo my boy away.

I am not different from a lion or a tiger, socializing when it is necessary but preferring to be alone doing nothing most of the time.  The lion or tiger will fight for its space.

I am no different from an animal, which are incidentally God's creatures as well.  We all are.

Questions In The Head

Who am I really?
Why am I going through what I am going through?

Why do I keep coming back to this situation?

Why do I see things the way I see things?

Why are my views so distorted?

I have enough and yet I want more.

I have enough and yet I feel it is not enough.

Dr Khatijah thinks that I do not want to leave my secure place.  She suggests that I go out and meet people but I say I am not ready.

I feel constricted and tight.

Why do I feel the way I feel?

Lost in my thoughts and lost in the world.

Each day I look out my window and say What a Beautiful Day

Each day I look at my sons and say What beautiful boys I have

Each day I look at my husband and say What a caring man

Each day I look at myself and say What a beautiful being

Yet ever so often I get into this situation and feel so lost.

Busy and Yet Able To Remain Still

It is amazing how I have learned to remain aware of who I am and what I do in the business of life.  I am busy yet able to remain still.  I go through my daily activities - getting up in the morning, making the beds, doing the laundry, feeding the fish, having breakfast, reading the papers, clearing/cleaning the bedrooms, mopping the floor whenever required, washing the bathrooms whenever required, cooking dinner, ironing the clothes, sweeping the dining and kitchen area after dinner, mopping the dining and kitchen area whenever required, sweeping the living area, mopping the living area whenever required.

Some would call these chores mundane but I find them meditative.  I do them with awareness, and I am even aware of my thoughts and my emotions.  Sometimes I do my ironing and I am thinking and it becomes meditative.  Sometimes I do it in a fit of anger and as I iron, I find the anger easing off.  The same with mopping the floor.  I find it meditative, contemplative.  It is not a waste of time.  It is being.

I may be busy as a bee, and I am aware of what is happening around me.  I take time off to look at my plants.  I enjoy watching my flame tree with its leaves rustling in the breeze or branches willow in the wind as the rain clouds roll in.  I enjoy seeing the birds swooping down to stand on the tree.  I enjoy listening to their chirping.

Life is so beautiful, and it is OK to suffer from depression.  It has opened up my senses.  I am more aware of what is happening inside of me as well as what is happening around me.

The Rain rains mainly in the plain, not causing pain

It's been very hot the last few days and the rain is a kind reprieve.  I love the rain.  It cools and greens the earth. The flame tree outside our house has finally bloomed a second time in the last 13 years since it was planted.  It is lovely to see the red flowers among the green leaves.  And now I can touch the tree from our new balcony.  It is like touching an old friend from afar.

The garden has gotten a bit wild since the work on the house started.  And it is very green, so I do not mind it.  Even the weeds look lovely with white flowers.  However, the banana and papaya trees are taking a long time to grow...

My fish are happy in their tank on the patio and those in the backyard pond look to me for food each morning when I open the kitchen doors.  The tilapia play with the parrot fish while the tortoises laze in the sun.

Ahh... this is the life!  January ended very well for me with a bit on the high note after a very blue December.  I am enjoying every part of it now in early February with the house work.  It is a very busy time for us as it is fast coming to the Lunar New Year and the Year of the Tiger.

Helen and Marg have been here to help with making ngaku chips and mince meat rolls.  Now we are planning for the reunion dinner (BBQ) and CNY Day 1 satay & popiah dinner.  Frankie arrives in Singapore on the 10th with Marg and Staffan picking him up.  Cath might just drop in if she can get tickets.  Oh, it is going to be a nice new year celebration.