Caught in the vicious cycle of depression again

This last month has been one very challenging one. I keep falling down again and again into the darkness. I am feeling so tired. Going for the Forgiveness retreat at Maranatha was a temporary reprieve. And soon after, I am caught in the web of emotions. Maybe it is a woman thing, maybe it is menopause + depression. But it is not something that people understand, not even your loved ones. Derrick does not think that I have depression anymore. He just thinks it is my thoughts and ego. He does not realize when I call out for help that I need help. He keeps telling me to watch it, to stay calm, not to listen to my thoughts. He does not realize how painful it is especially when he does not heed my call for help. He says I am always angry at things.

True, I am angry and hurt but only when I am in this situation, driven into the hole. At times like this, I feel that life is not worth it anymore. I feel so toxic. I can't stand being with him or my kids. I feel weepy and just cry when they come close.

Some say it is the pain body, maybe it is. At this juncture, I cannot see myself anymore. I don't know what to do. Friends reach out but I cannot respond. I shy away. I just want to be alone. Thoughts of death come. I don't want to do anything.

I pray for God's divine intervention but I am not in the right frame of mind to listen to His response. I have eyes but cannot see, I have ears but cannot hear. Stillness is gone. I feel desperate. I just want to get away, away from everyone and everything. I have already lost everything I have, my job, my self esteem, my confidence. I am naked. I have nothing. I am nothing.

People say give thanks for all that I have. In this situation, I cannot think that at all. Ego has taken over, victim identity has set in. I am in the quicksand of self pity, wallowing there like a hippopotamus in a shallow pond.

I, I, I. Why is it that I have come to this state? How do I get out? I have all the answers yet nothing works.