In and Out of Depression Again

Ok, ok, I admit it. I have been feeling depressed the last one month since Chinese New Year. There was a lot of pent up emotions from the time spent in Muar with the Tan clan. However, it was not visible to the loved ones. Everyone thought it was the best CNY we have had in years. I felt otherwise.

Actually, I did feel good initially, bringing Father to Singapore to visit his sister and go see places he was familiar with in his younger days. Father enjoyed the trip so much that at times, he spoke with such gusto. The visit to his old school now turned into an art museum got him so excited, he spoke out loud with us and the museum folks. Similarly when we went to the Changi War Museum. A lot of old memories came back to him so vividly.

After we got back to Muar, it was busy busy time for most of us. Preparing the food, keeping the house clean and free of dogs, washing up. It seemed that I had a good time, not breaking down at all or losing my cool. Unfortunately, it was all pent up, building up into a dark cloud. By the time we got back to PJ, I was so tensed up. There was a lot of resistance as a result, a lot of anger. Still, I kept it all in. I started taking it out on my family, my boys. I became very short tempered, angry, emotional, bursting into tears in anger...

In desperation, I finally went to get an appointment to see the shrink at Sg Buloh Hospital, and after that, a trip to Ben Choo Nursery in Sg Buloh to get plants for the balcony. On hind sight, getting the plants was a good move as it got me into marathon gardening the last few days, spending hours in the sun, digging into soil. Gardening was so healing that I finally started to feel better.

So yes, it has been a difficult month. No one understood what was going on in my mind and Derrick told me to just watch the thoughts and the emotions that were tormenting me. Just before gardening, I was on a reading frenzy, reading one Osho book after another, looking for solace. And finally, it was the gardening that did the trick.

Go Back To The Centre, The Source

When mind is restless, go back to the source.
When one is upset, go back to the source.
Return, return, return to your inner self.
Do not remain in the periphery, the outer realm.
Do not be influenced by external factors and influences.
Return, return, return to the source.
That is your real being.