Into the Deep Abyss Again and Out

I plunged into the deep dark abyss of depression again Dec 29 after seeing Dr Khatijah and was in it for 3 dark lonely days.  I cried so much, I was hoarse.  I couldn't say what was troubling me but I was feeling so down in the dumps.  I got angry with the boys.  I shouted at everyone at home.  It was so ugly.  I felt totally unhappy, sad, hurt.  This is the cross I have to carry until I am raised.  I called out to Derrick and God for help.

Depression sucks me dry of energy.  There is so much ache and pain in my body that I cannot understand, so much "sourness".  Much like the pain our Planet is in.  So much anger and hurt, so much resentment.  And feel it I must.  By feeling it totally, can I overcome it.  Little by little, the grip it has on me will loosen and peace will come.  In fact, peace is in me.  I just don't feel it.

I was lost in my story, so lost, like the Prodigal son, the lost sheep.  I couldn't see the light, see the way home.  I looked and looked and then realized that I have been looking with blinkered eyes, judgement, It is how I perceived my situation.  There is realization, an awakening - I have eyes and yet I do not see.  I have ears and yet I do not hear.  Lost, lost in the maya, drama.

Oh, to be filled with love and peace and joy.