Into the Blue Again

Today is a day I hope not to see ever again.  I feel like shit, having cried my eyes out and sleeping way too much.  I feel lousy, have such a headache, my chest hurts.  I cannot breathe.  I cannot think.  I cannot even do my own thing.  I have lost my sense of self.  No one listens, no one cares.  I am ANGRY with myself and everyone.  I am in pain.  I am being crucified on my cross.

Feel Right Down Blue Over a Pizza

Ever feel that one just cannot do anything right?  Well, I do.  It's always this or that that is wrong.  Today it was over getting a Pizza for the boys.  D is upset because I spent RM30 for a Pizza Delivery and should have saved the money.  My chest is now feeling even more congested.  All for a wrong decision.

Nausea and Chest Pain Again

The feeling has started again.  What is the matter?  What is my body telling me?  I do not wish to worry too much about it and hope that it will pass.  I do not want to be superstitious but most of my fish died when we were away in Muar, and I broke my teapot cover today....

I will stay present and balanced no matter what.

To Muar for New Year and Back Home Again

We left for Muar early Saturday morning to avoid the holiday jam.  Arrived in Muar at 7 am, had breakfast and got to 126 Jalan Bakariah at 8 am.  Victor and Staffan were at home with Father.  Mary and Mila had gone to market.  Richard's family and Helen arrived at 4 pm.

We were all busy preparing for New Year's eve (snga chap mei) dinner most of the day.  The steamboat dinner was to be done outside at our porch this year instead of in the dining because the weather was totally cool.  Peter's family were the last to arrive at 6.30 pm.  We tossed the yee sang at 7.30 pm with rain pouring down gently.  As we were setting up the steamboat, the dogs started to fight between the 2 tables and Peter got bitten on the arm by All Black in an attempt to separate the dogs.  Dinner ended at 9.30 and we all started to clear up.  Peter went to the hospital for a jab.

In the midst of dinner, Frankie called from USA.  He talked to all of us.  That was nice.  We all stayed up past midnight, including Joey as the boys played with fireworks and crackers.

Monday 26th was a windy day (CNY 1 is always windy).  Staffan, Mary, Peter and I sat outside under the rambutan tree to chat in the morning until Daniel and family came by for a visit.  We sat outside most of the day except for the boys who played on the computer.  We witnessed the solar eclipse from 4.30 to 6 pm.  Monday dinner was ala Malay.  Then it was fire cracker time for the boys.

CNY 2 was still windy but not as windy as CNY 1.  Again most of us sat under the rambutan tree after breakfast til afternoon when it got too warm, drinking and snacking.  Dinner was prepared by Siew Kee.  After dinner and fire cracker time for the boys, we decided to stay indoors and watch TV as the now hot weather had attracted lots of mosquitoes.

We packed this morning to leave Muar and left at 11.30 am.  The highway was not as bad as Derrick had anticipated as today is a work day.  We got home at 2 and found most of our fish had died.  I cleaned up the 2 fish tanks and buried the goldfish and flower horns.  The catfish is very much alive and happy.  The garden looks nice.

All in all, we had a nice time in Muar.

45 - Middle Age

I turn 45 today, the middle ages.  Life has been ... difficult the last 5 years with the onslaught of depression.  Life has become much simpler now that I am not working (for the last 5 months), dedicating each day to simple tasks of gardening, worm farming, feeding the fish, spending time with Derrick and the kids, listening to the birds chirping, looking at the trees outside my window.  Of course, there are days I follow Derrick to the market or Tesco at Damansara Mutiara.

My lower back hurts with gardening and taking care of the aquarium.  I wet my legs ever so often and as the Chinese would say, wind got into my body through my legs.   I have to do more yoga to keep the body flexible.

I'll be Home for Chinese New Year

It's that time of year again when we Chinese head home for the lunar new year.  We travel on my 45th birthday, 2 days to the new year.  These last 2 days, I spent doing little decorations in the house and garden.  I also cleaned up the fish jars so that they are happy the next few days.  The garden is nicely trimmed, the plants are doing well.  Even the little bougainvillia plant has started blooming.  Hmm... the simple things in life...

Soon we will be in Muar at my Dad's place and the house which is normally just Dad and Mila will be noisy with most of the family.  This time round, none of those overseas are coming back for the celebrations.  So it is just Helen, Mary and Staffan; Peter, Siew Kee, Sarah and Victor; Richard, Dinah, Ben and Madelene; and us, the Goh family.  Nonetheless, there will be 19 people in the house for the Reunion Dinner.

Of Dogs and Cats and Malaysian Politics

When the world is engulfed with so many issues, some Malaysians decide to be totally exclusive in putting across their points on dogs and cats and obtaining neighbours' permission to have pets.  I have no dogs or cats at home but both dogs and cats poo in front of my house.  Sometimes, cats even poo in my garden.  But do I get all worked up?  No, life is too short.  Get on with it.

My father has 2 dogs and 2 cats in his house in Muar, and all the dogs and cats live and play well together without quarrelling (better than humans).  If only humans (Malaysians included) can learn to live like them.

At the same time, Malaysian politics is still harping on racial issues.  When will people grow up and realise that life is short and that we are all from the same place on one planet, only to return to the same afterlife.  Umno even debates on the exclusive use of the word "Allah" which is supposed to mean God in Islam.  It is like saying, Malaysia is mine, stay away.  Bah, humbug!

Goldfish and Fengshui

Recently I started keeping goldfish in an open jar, apart from the 2-year old catfish I have and the small flower horns.  The goldfish are really calming to watch, like the koi.  They just swim and swim in a calm manner.  I am learning more about it on the net.

Why goldfish?  It is one of the variety of fishes one can keep in the house for good fengshui.  2009 is going to be a good year for me and my family and this is one way I can make that change, apart from my garden.

Facial and Skincare

Today I went for my much delayed facial.  I have been exposed to so much sun with fishing, I have become so tanned and my skin dehydrated.  I have also run out of some Dermalogica products and needed to buy some.  The facial was so good and relaxing.  But today my skin feels itchy, which is not normal as my facial is for sensitive skin.

I bought 4 items at Aster Springs which cost quite a bit but when I got home, I got into trouble.  D asked how much I had spent and he started on me about not spending on expensive skincare.  I went back to Aster Springs to return all that I had bought.  Now I will exhaust whatever I have left and start on cheaper brands.

So Who Suffers From Depression?

Many people suffer from depression.  We all know that the great artists like Leonardo da Vinci, Mozart, Beethoven suffered from the illness.  The late Princess Diana and the brilliant Princess Masako.  Actors and actresses like Harrison Ford and Drew Barrymore.  World leaders like Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill.

I also found out that my favourite ex-BBC Gardeners' World presenter, Monty Don, also suffered from the illness.  So did a local writer Rehman Rashid.

Of course, we learn that it is caused by so many factors, biological and environmental.  But because it is in the brain and it is about some chemical imbalance, science can only tell us the probables of cures.  I have been suffering from this illness, officially for the last 5 years.  Unofficially, evidence shows that I may have been depressive from my younger days.

Question is can I lead my life without taking drugs?  The doctor says no, but some people feel yes.  So what do I do?

My Favourite Past Times: Gardening, Worming and Fishing

This weekend, I spent the bulk of my time doing my favourite things - gardening, feeding my worms, creating another pot of compost for more worms, caring for my fish in my aquarium and jars - changing the water, feeding and just looking at them.

Reconnecting with Old Friends

Recently, I felt like reconnecting with old friends from Convent Muar and University of Malaya (7th Residential College).  Going 45 is a reminder that life is indeed short and fast.  I am now mid-way in my life and want to reach out to friends whom I lost contact with.

Convent Muar (1971-1981) - Corinne Scully, Rose Koh, Koh Pack Noi, Ng Li Nah, Florence Khoo, Ong Soh Keng among others.

University of Malaya & 7th Residential College (1984-1987) - Yap Suat Yen, Suzie Tan, Tham Lai Leng (in contact), Lim Lay Choon, Sim Kay Loh, Anaz Zubedy (in contact), Kay Tong Yik Moi and many more.

Catch and Release Fishing At Fish Valley, Semenyih

It was a hot and humid day with the blazing sun most of the time and some passing clouds now and again. We got to Fish Valley at about 11 am and started casting immediately. I used worms and pellets most of the time as the other baits failed to work for me. At noon, I had my first strike - a plump patin. Thought that it would be my biggest catch of the day.

Shortly after landing the patin, I got a large tilapia. What a beauty but hardly a fight. Tilapias are just too lazy to put up any fight. One can just reel in the fish like a dog on a leash.

There was hardly any bites after this for me, just smaller fish nibbling away my worms. But my husband (Tilapia King) was getting one Tilapia after another. There were black, red and white ones of various sizes.

After lots of casting, taking in lots of sun (and blistering too) and slaps of sunblock, my patience paid off. At 5 pm, my reel started to run zzzz... I had a hookup. I did not know what it was but the fish made a jump and flipped trying to get the hook off. I started to reel in with the drag set right so that the line would not break. The fish zigged and zagged but I maintained contact (bent rod and tense line). The idea was to tire the fish. I started calling to my husband many times but he could not hear me as he was fishing some distance from me.

As I reeled in the fish nearer to the bank, I gave a holler to D and he ran to me excitedly, seeing that I was working hard on the reel with the rod bent. We got the fish clost to the bank but it swam under concrete snag. We thought we had lost it but D got it out with a net. Then it went swimming off again. We allowed the fish to run for a while before we were finally able to get it into the net.

Wow, it was a whopper (to me). My big one. An African Catfish measuring 30" and weighing at least 8 kgs. It was a very healthy fish. We took some photos and then let it go carefully back into the pond. I have a soft spot for catfish as I have a pet African at home in a tank.

We started to pack up at 6.30 pm and set home at 7 pm. Next change: the Plabok or Bangkok Catfish. It is known to be a fighter.

Feeling in and out of the blues

Today for some reason, I felt a tinge of blue although the day went by without any triggers.  I asked friends from the support group if they felt the same, that feeling of loss and they said that they did once in a while.

Where am I heading for?  I do a bit of gardening, have a worm farm, take care of some fishes, read a bit, do Sudoku, sleep quite a bit, meditate, do some yoga, go fishing once in a while with Derrick.  Nothing to really shout about.  I enjoy the quiet times, the simple life.

For all that I have read about and know of, I seem to wander around without much yearning to do anything, just wanting to be quiet and walking in the park.

Attended DSG Session at MMHA

After missing last month's session, I got there on time today with goreng pisang for everyone.  It was nice to see Ida, Mei, Joe, Santa, Alvin and Harp again along with meeting 2 others for the first time - Natasha and Ruby.  We all missed seeing Elisha who has been quiet for a while.

Out of the Blue & Going Fishing

I got over the blues over a day and yesterday we went fishing (Derrick, Joey and me) at Fish Valley, Semenyih.  It was our 3rd trip there, the first having caught lots of white pink tilapias and a grass carp, the 2nd trip was almost empty handed (with one biggie getting away).  Oh, by the way, we do catch and release fishing as our contribution to good fishing.

We left home pretty early at about 6.30am after sending the 2 bigger boys to school.  We had breakfast (roti canai and nasi lemak) at the normal gerai 2km to Fish Valley.  Arrived at the pond at 8, got to casting with worms, pellets and hong almost immediately.  I decided to focus on catching the Thai Catfish (plabok) which is known to be a gentle toothless fish yet fast swimmer.  At 9, my reel started running.  I called to Derrick who was sitted some distance away that I had a hit, that my line was running.  He came over, had a feel on the rod and said that it was a big one.  He told me to let the line run with the fish.  The fish went left of the pond, then went 180 degrees to head right.  I was exhilarated.  Suddenly the fish started to head my way and the line became lose.  I tried to reel back but it was too late, the fish managed to free itself.  What a waste!  My first experience of a fish running, the feel of my rod bent and the line taut and tense - gone in less than 5 minutes!

Of course the day did not go wasted as we caught many black tilapias, some white ones, some small baung catfish and some lampans.  Disappointed that I did not manage to land the big one, I told Derrick that I would like to come back one more time to try my luck to be the Plabuk Queen.

Why can't I handle it?

This evening, I broke down because my 4-year old twisted me around his little finger so tightly that I could not breathe.  I am a wreck because my sons do not listen to me.  It's so pathetic that I cannot even manage my life.

I cannot even differentiate my role as a mother with my own true self.  I need space!!!

Back To School for the Boys

Monday January 5 is the day the boys go back to school, including Joey who will start Kindergarten Year 1.  Jordan goes to Standard 5 while Johan goes to Standard 3.  It is exciting especially for Joey and he went to bed with his school bag.  So cute.  I can hardly wait to see him in his school uniform and when he goes to school.

January 4, 2009 - The New Year

We entered the year 2009 in a quiet manner, having a family dinner at my sister's place on Dec 31.  4 out of 9 siblings were at Mary's place with a total of 12 people.  After dinner we sat down for some chatter and scrabble while waiting for the stroke of midnight.  Johan was the first casualty to go to sleep before the fireworks display but we managed to wake him up to witness the 10-15 minutes fireworks displays around the Klang Valley, visible from Mary's apartment.

Today is the 4th of January.  So what is the difference of the year?  Nothing much really.  Things are still much the same as always.  The only difference now for me is that I get to wake up at any time I want to wake up (and today I awoke at 10... gasp!!!).  Well, actually that is because I do not sleep well at night.  I tend to wake up at least a couple of times a night, with a lot of dreams which result in me waking up tired.

Today I cleared the porch and relayed the plants and furniture.  I moved the catfish from the dragon pot into a square plastic tub, giving it more space to swim.  I think it looks rather nice now.  I have also started using mosquito coil to keep mosquitoes away rather than using the aerosol spray, more environmentally friendly.  Over the last few days, the worms are thriving in their new mix.  And my vegetable seedlings are growing.

We are just 3 weeks to the Lunar New Year and the air is already filled with Chinese New Year mood after the Christmas season.