Day 2 of Pottering in the House

The house is getting neater and cleaner by the day. More space is created with clever rearranging. Backyard will soon look like a patio overlooking a small DIY fishpond. Only 1 goldfish left with a strange pink fish I caught at Kiara Park.

With a few indoor plants, the kitchen and sitting area are looking refreshed.

Day 1 Without Mus

Back breaking as it is, it is rewarding to see the house cleaner and neater as we ourselves tend to put in real effort to keep the house a home. We see it as something we can do with love. We are able to do it wholeheartedly.

Maids, on the other hand, consider themselves as outsiders (even if we treat them well) do it because they have to, not because they want to. There is no real concerted effort to do more for the household as they consider it not theirs. Of course, there are exceptions.

It was different when we had Ani 5 years ago. She did all she could to make the house her home. She even took effort to learn English and teach our sons their school worm, then Jordan was in kindergarten while Johan literally spent his first few years with her, learning his numbers and alphabets. Although Mus was to take care of Joey as well, she took no effort to sing or teach him his numbers or ABCs.

I spent some time tidying up Mus' former room, our spare room downstairs. It was so dusty in places she did not see nor took the effort to clean. There was a note for a Mustafa, a new found boyfriend. One wonders.

In a way, I am glad to have my household back.

A New Beginning?

Our domestic helper from Banda Aceh, Muzaini, has returned home after being with us for 4 years, mainly looking after the housekeeping and Joey. This leaves us to do everything on our own. Derrick will continue being chief cook and bus driver for the boys. I take over most of the other duties of cleaning the house and doing the laundry.

The good things about being without a helper are :-

~ complete privacy, no 3rd party at home

~ the house comes cleaner and neater. I have already cleaned up our storeroom. It is now neater and there is more room in there.

~ we save some RM1000 a month

Indeed, it is a new beginning for us. The boys have been told to be more responsible and to help out, i.e.,

~ to keep all their stuff

~ to put all dirty clothes into the laundry basket instead of leaving it to a 3rd person to pick up after them.

~ to wash their own school shoes

~ to wash their own plate and cutlery after meals

Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise as Indonesia has called for a ban on maids to Malaysia.

What Next?

SOCSO (PERKESO) has denied me any social benefit because the medical board appeal for incapacity pension has found me not incapacitated. I find it very sad to note that SOCSO has provided me with an unclear blue copy triplicate report of the psychiatrist's scribblings and that SOCSO is not giving me any support in my current predicament.

There is also invalid process. The report is signed by 3 doctors in KL Hospital (Chairperson Dr Mohd Anis who did not speak to me at all; Consultant Psychiatrist Dato Hj Dr Abdul Aziz Abdullah who spoke with me and asked 3 questions; and Head of Medicine Dato Dr Jeyaindran Sinnadurai who also did not say a word to me). How can this be when only 1 doctor spoke with me the entire time???

Here are 3 very "credible" doctors, 2 with titles, not knowing my story and my sufferings and yet deciding on behalf of SOCSO, the organisation created to protect and provide social support to its contributors when required, are stating that I am able to go back to work with at least 1/3 of my last drawn salary without trying to do more.

I suffer at least 2 bouts of depression a year. I am mentally and emotionally out for 3-6 weeks each time. I lose myself in situations, become non functional at home, get weepy (close to hysterical), shout hysterically at people who upset me (to both family and outsiders). Do the doctors and SOCSO think I earn an income of RM4K a month (at the least) and have no problems???

I fear not men with titles, because titles are man made, not God given. To the men with titles, are you true to your heart?

A Change of Attitude is Needed

I have been advised to change my outlook, to let go, to move on, to be positive. Which is fine, I can do that. However, time and again, I will feel down and I think it is acceptable. That is life.

Honestly, I do count my blessings, no matter how small. I love my family and my family loves me which is most important. I have a nice home. I have a nice garden - heck, I spend a lot of time on it. I have a nice DIY fish pond in my backyard which is a joy to look at - 4 goldfishes, 2 ketutu (soon hock/marbled goby), a catfish, some longkang fish. The trickling water creates a peaceful sound.

Of course, I do get negative often with low moods. The doctor says it is my personality. Well, some people are born happy. They are always happy. Some people are born crappy. They are always snappy. However, I now choose to be who I am - happy, crappy, snappy, positive, negative. I am the Tao. One cannot be positive all the time. There are always 2 sides to a coin but the sides are equal, balanced. There is day and there is night. It just so happens.

Thanks to all those who have been helpful in their own ways.

Dreams, Thoughts, Emotions in Depression

In depression, thoughts run by the day and dreams run by the night in sleep. One feels like a walking waking timebomb. One erupts in anger like a dormant volcano erupting lava unannounced. One feels tired all the time. One feels constricted. Breaths become short. One gets suspicious of people. Everything feels like a clutter, a rush. The constant noise in the head.

Spiralling Down Again

This week has been a trying week for me. It has been one filled with anger and frustration. My chest feels constricted. I get upset very easily. I feel anger towards everything and everyone when I get into the low.

I seek comfort in my fish and my garden. How happily the goldfish swim in the pond at the backyard.

I can see the changes in my emotions, on how I react to things. It sometimes feels so alien, like I am no longer myself. Depression is so dark.

Anger - To Suppress or To Express?

I experienced burning anger the last few days over several events. It started as a small flame of bewilderment over what a supposed learned person (psychiatrist) said. This person in 5 minutes of talking with me was able to decide my future. This person judged me.

As the day went on, the bewilderment slowly turned into frustration and anger. How dare he judge me in that 5 minutes? He is supposed to be an expert in his field. I was drained of energy just thinking about it. Then hours later, I experienced the 2nd wave of anger. This time, it was explosive. I shouted at 6 young men playing with a remote control car in the playground and running over flowers planted by residents. Told them to go destroy their moms' garden. Some of them sniggered and I got even more annoyed and asked them if they have mothers, that they should learn to be more respectful.

At this time, I was very aware of the raw anger in me. It was frightening that I was shouting on top of my voice and my sister who was with me got worried. She told me to leave them alone.

When I saw my shrink yesterday, I told him what had happened. He told me to let it go (i.e., let SOCSO incapacity pension claim go). I told him I had every right to apply for it as I had fulfilled some of the criteria. He told me not to compare with other more developed countries, that it would be very difficult and stressful for me to continue the fight. I told him I would continue to fight because if people just accepted the current situation, then we will never become a developed nation. The mentally ill are also people who have rights. And no doctor is going to deny us that just because he thinks that I am not incapacitated.

Now thinking about it (and after screaming at my youngest son for being selfish), I wonder if it is better to suppress anger or to express it?

Alone to Fight the System

Alas, the disappointment one feels with what the world is like towards a sufferer of major depression, a form of mental illness. Sacked by Shell the Number 2 most profitable oil company in the world in August last year, let down by SOCSO's medical board for incapacity pension - it would seem I am punished by people who decide for me my mental, emotional and financial well being.

I feel be damned by people who have no consideration for a person who suffers the dark pit of depression. My heart and head hurt thinking about the lowliness of people so lacking in compassion that they are willing to let another human being walk in desperation alone.

The world of men is indeed getting darker and darker. The heart and soul of learned men and doctors are not to be found, only the manipulative mind. My heart bleeds and weeps for the sons of Adam.

Sudara Beach Resort, Tok Bali

Sudara is located on a nice grey beach some distance from Tok Bali town. It was raining when we checked in. We chose a room away from the main area and settled in. Derrick went fishing at the brackish water in front of the lobby building. He caught a haruan. It was beautiful and clever, tried to escape 3 times before succeeding on the 4th attempt.

I had several worms stolen from my rod and finally got snagged to a tree trunk in the water. We had no hot water in the shower so the front office gave us an alternative room, next door. It was a better room as this one came with a king size bed instead of 2 singles, and the water heater worked.

We had a nice time eating a watermelon bought along the way. Dinner was at an Ikan Bakar place at Tok Bali town. Yummy!! The boys enjoyed the food.

We lazed the next day before checking out to head for Tumpat.

Penarik Beach, Setiu, Terengganu

Penarik is a small fishing village in the district of Setiu in Terengganu. It has about the best beach along the coast of Malaysia. Smooth fine sand and crystal clear waters make the beach so lovely to walk on. From the beach, one can see the beautiful islands off Terengganu including the Perhentian and Redang Islands.

We stayed 2 nights in a small resort called Penarik Inn recently. It is run by a very hospitable couple and their son who speak mainly in very good English. The chalets are very basic in nature with bedding enough for a family of 5. There is cold and hot shower. Although we only had a wall mounted circulating fan (no air conditioning), the chalet remains cool in the day time. We only needed to close the door of the chalet between 7 and 8 pm when mosquitoes and other insects are most active and attracted to light. Night time is a wee bit hot and humid but the air is cooled quickly as the hours go by.

Penarik is located between a river and the South China Seas.

9 months out of Shell

It has been 9 months since I left Shell. Time has really flown by. I just realised that it is not easy getting a new credit card since I am out of work and there is no source of income.

While I have put in TPD claims for all my insurance policies, I do not know the outcome. SOCSO has called for a 2nd medical board for my incapacity pension claim.

My moods continue to fluctuate. I am still on heavy medication. My vision moves from blurry to clear to blurry even with my new prescription glasses. My pupils are dilated. I tend to get sleepy driving. My temper is shot at home with the boys. I am very forgetful.

There is still no news from the Industrial Court regarding my case vs Shell.

Despite it all, my boys are growing up well and fast. I do feel aged now and again. I enjoy doing the little things at home. Mus is going back to Aceh for good and soon we will not have any domestic helper. We will have our home to ourselves.

No Posts for a Month

Without any wonder, there were no posts on my blog for a month.  Why?  There is more to life than just blogging.  There were just so many things to do and time flew by so quickly.  The boys took turns to get sick especially Johan who had a couple of asthma attacks in the month.  It was Derrick and my 12th anniversary on May 10 along with Mother's Day and Mom's Memorial Day (she's been gone for 9 years).

Philo and GT were in Muar and we spent a couple of nights there (Helen, Mary, Staffan and me) for a small gathering.  Joey had a bad toothache and had to have his molar extracted.  Poor mite!  He felt pain like never before when the tooth was being extracted.

And then it was the end of the month and we went on our driving holiday through 4 states.  We drove through Pahang to get to Terengganu, Kelantan and Perak from May 28 to June 4.  Then it was on to Muar so that the boys could spend some time at Grandpa's.

When we got home, the house stank so bad Mus claimed was caused by Derrick's fishing stuff.  Finally found the source of the stench - Mus had left a bag of prawns on top of our fridge over the weekend and ... maggots.  Burnt plenty of incense to get rid of the smell and washed down the fridge and kitchen floors.

So what is life?  Plenty of events or situations and nothing quite so serious as our health.  Nature is a wonder.  The weather is hot and humid while it rains occasionally.