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Don't Know Why

Don't know why I suddenly feel like this.

Wake up at night and feel like writing.  

It's just a need to write my feelings and things I want to say to God.  

Like, I am grateful for all I have.  

My heart wants to tell its tale.

Everyone is asleep.

I can hear them breathing.

The noise in my head is very loud.

Thoughts of all sorts rushing though my mind.

I know it is nothing really important.

Except that I am alive.

What's up with me these days?

Being a woman and depressive (both chemical and hormonal imbalance) leave me little room for emotional balance especially when there are events which build up on occasions.  One occasion was last Monday when my family joined my siblings and their families for dinner.  Typically we do not go out weekdays as the boys have to go to bed early but we had visiting relations.  It was a school night and my sisters had assured me that they would be at the restaurant early (7.30), dinner would be pre-ordered and ready for serving when we arrived.

We made out way to Jalan Ipoh some 15-20km from our place after picking up our boys from tuition at 7.15pm.  We got to the restaurant at 7.35 and... none of my sisters were around.  Thinking that we were at the wrong place, I called my sister to check.  They were still at home, just leaving, and they live just 5 minutes away from the restaurant.

I was already feeling blue much of that day, not wanting to do anything.  I was supposed to have met them at 1-Utama in the morning for shopping.  Things had not gone too well with my nieces and nephew that morning and they were not in a happy mood (late start to the day, late breakfast, wrong road, stop over at my place).  I decided to go with them so that they get what they wanted done.  So it was a strange day already.  By the time the day out came to an end (me bringing Darrell to do his thing at The Curve and ensuring everyone got their stuff including Betty's shopping at Tesco), I was caught in an hour long jam home (instead of the normal 15 minutes).

Now we are waiting in the restaurant without any bookings or pre-orders, and the boys are hungry.  I decided to order some noodles for the boys.  Soon the entourage arrived and Helen started ordering.  The Singapore fried noodles was a hit at the kids' table.  The rest of the food came shortly.

Sometime after dinner, waiting to go home, Jordan started crying as he was not able to join us at the Zoo the next day (he had his UPSR trial exams) while Johan and Joey were allowed to skip school.  He wanted more time with his cousins.  Then Johan got into a small fight with Darrell, poking each other.  The whole environment was so charged up with emotions, I just walked out of the restaurant as I was breaking down.  The whole day's pressure just caved in on me.

No one understood my emotions that evening except for Derrick.  He saw it all coming - the rushing around, the jam, the wait, the squabbles... it was all too much for me to handle, especially during my pre-menstrual days.  I do not know what my siblings thought of me that evening.  Maybe some of them felt that I was being emotional over nothing.  It is hard to explain but the ordeals of the day choked me up so much that I just caved in.  And no one asked me why I felt so.  Deep down, I felt the energy of the dinner was not conducive to my wellbeing.

We left the restaurant for home at 9.15 in silence, got home at 9.30 and the boys showered and dropped off to bed soon after.

What's up with people these days?

In the last few weeks, there have been several incidences which rattled me a bit.  One weekend, while we were shopping at Tesco, the boys decided to sit down at some tables set in front of the food counter.  A couple sat down with us to have their breakfast (nasi lemak and fried chicken).  Joey who is 6 was tapping his fingers on the table way before this couple joined us.  Suddenly the man banged the table and told Joey off to stop tapping in a loud voice.  He must be off his mind to shout at a 6-year old kid who is just tapping his fingers on the table.  We apologized to him and told Joey to apologize to a man who obviously has no understanding of kids nor politeness to just ask the boy to stop doing it in a polite manner.

People seem so stressed these days that there is very low tolerance for anything and common courtesy is out the door.  Do they know that they are stressed?  Do they know that they emit such negative energy?  Why do they even go out when they are so stressed?  Why don't they stay home and rest?

Last weekend, when I was with my sons at their Scout night, I was playfully throwing water balloons, not hitting anyone, just for fun.  The boys and their friends enjoyed the fun.  Then a balloon was thrown short but missed hitting anyone.  A parent was upset with the "ordeal" and complained to a teacher.  I went over to them to apologize for the fun we were having, and they retorted that it was not fun, that someone would have "gotten wet".

I walked off seething because adults have lost the sense of humour, that kids cannot have fun these days, that someone would have gotten wet.  The fact is no one got wet, more important it was not going to hurt anyone! It was a water balloon, for crying out loud.

What more, these days, we see impatient parents rushing to pick up kids at school, driving in a mad rush, talking on the mobile phone while driving, always angry at people who seem to "obstruct" traffic.  People are so angry these days.  It is sad... 

Stand By My Man

This morning, Derrick went for the cystoscopy procedure (bladder scope) at UMMC to check on the growth in his bladder.  The procedure was done by student doctors (urologist not present).  They concluded after seeing polyps in the bladder wall that it is tumour and scheduled him for surgery in 2 weeks time.

Doctors failed to inform him that there will likely be blood in his urine and that he will not be able to stand for long periods as his bladder control is weakened.  I checked on some websites on post cystoscopy recovery and advised him to rest.

2-in-1

I feel like a 2-in-1 person.  I had a nice time with my family and Laura who is visiting.  And suddenly I feel blue and weepy.  Tears are just welling in my eyes and I have to control hard so that they do not start to roll.  The head is rushing and gushing with thoughts, I have noted, but I am also controlling it hard so that they do not overwhelm me.

Stand By Me

It suddenly occurred to me that, in my all darkest moments, it is always only one person who stood by me ~ my husband, Derrick.  This thought dawned on me when I remembered just hours ago that come August 11, he goes alone to the hospital for a procedure to check the condition of his bladder because I will be taking care of the kids.  There is no one I can call to to help with the kids so that I can be with him.  Except maybe my neighbours.

I came to realize that it was always Derrick who stood by me when I was in depression.  For all the support I thought I had, Derrick was the one who took me to the doctor, to the hospital.  Yes, my sisters did bring me
to see the doctor a couple of times but they were never there in my darkest moments, it was always Derrick.  

Now I understand what it is like to be a person with a mental illness.  It is a lonely world.  Most people do not know what depression is all about as it is not a physical health problem, only mental.  Most people ask why I feel depressed and tell me not to worry so much, to think positive.  I know that but I cannot help myself if I feel blue or feel death.

People say that they understand but deep down inside, I feel they do not.  Worst, some think that it is not real and that it is my attitude.  They judge me as weak.  They do not see what I see or feel in my darkest moments.  In a way, I am saddened because most look at the surface and the physical condition, and just because I am happy sometimes, they think that I am OK, that there is nothing wrong with me.

I am thankful that Derrick is always here for me, and I wish to be here for him too.

Depression and Perimenopause

In April 2005, the doctors diagnosed that I am suffering from Major Depression due to a chemical imbalance in the brain.  They ruled out perimenopause and hormonal imbalance.  Now with the onslaught of joint aches, I am wondering if it is both that causes me to go into depression, have anxiety spells, emotional, often getting upset over small things.  I need to know what is really going on in my head and my body so I decided to surf the web about joint aches and came across this very informative website Women to Women.  http://www.womentowomen.com/menopause/perimenopause.aspx

Since the time of Eve, women are "cursed" with several biological realities (period and period cramps, child bearing and birthing, hormonal imbalances, etc.).  Never mind if we are deemed the weaker sex, set aside by most religions and male dominated communities, our bodies and minds are tuned differently.  Of course, we can multi-task but too much multi-tasking leads to stress (and eventually depression for some).  Now we have to deal with joint aches.  Imagine waking each morning to painful soles.  Every step taken is like walking on nails.  Of course, the pain wears off as the day progresses, with some yoga leg stretches and foot massages, but it returns each time when we go to bed, to awake to the aches and pains again.

The next thing I have got to do is work on a better diet.  Reduce on carbohydrates and meat proteins, increase consumption of fruits and vegetables.

Taking it a day at a time, living in the now

As far as possible, I take it a day at a time, living in the now.  Of course it is easier said than done as I note that, at times, there is a lot of anger and anxiety in me.  Anger arises when I identify with thoughts about how unfair life is, thoughts about why people do not listen to me.  I guess it is true what Dr Khatijah said, that I get depressed when things do not go my way.  The only difference is I feel like that mostly during the pre-menstrual period.  So is it more than a coping mechanism?  Is it due to being in the 40s and pre-menopause?  The doctors deny it but it seems reasonable to figure so.

Anyway, back to taking it a day at a time, living in the now, the catch is not getting caught up with the challenges in life.  So what if Jordan does not listen?  So what if the boys talk back?  So what if Derrick gets upset with me?  What is important is that I know what I am doing, that I have done my level best to be a wife and a mother.  What is important is that I enjoy what I am doing when I am able to enjoy it, despite having depression.  And if I get weepy or anxious, it is just a phase, a winter season that I am going through, because sooner or later, healing comes, the sun shines, the wind blows, the birds sing.