1st Anniversary of Being Unemployed

It's been a year since I was medically boarded out from Shell. How has it been? Life has been pretty simple, frugal to a certain degree. More time spent at home with the family. Took over housework since Mus went home to Banda Aceh end of June. Been busy cleaning, cooking, gardening, reading, surfing the net, etc. Nothing interesting. I think I have become a greener person at home.

Heart Broken, Total Anger Arises

A few hours ago, I broke down because I felt taken for granted by my family. Everyday, I clean the house, do the laundry, cook dinner, iron the clothes, do gardening, pick up after the boys, even if I am tired. Today was the last straw. The house is messed up after it is cleaned up. Johan and Joey are fighting. Derrick is watching TV. Jordan is away at camp. And I am cooking. Then when I called Derrick to prepare the boys' rice, we realised that I had not cooked the rice. Derrick cooks the rice while I go upstairs to shower (sweaty after gardening and cooking). Then I came down to iron the clothes.

To my exasperation, tears started rolling down my face. I went upstairs quietly to cry. But a storm had brewed. I sobbed and sobbed like my heart was broken. I cried out so much and so loud that I thought I was going crazy. I felt like it was the end of the world. I felt that there was no love anymore in the house. I felt disbelief. I felt so much hurt. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.

I came to a point where I just wanted to give it all up. Then I left the house and went for a walk around the neighbourhood in the dark. I walked and walked and then I came upon Jordan's campfire at school. I went to see him for a while and then I left to continue walking. I walked and walked. Then I came home.

Derrick did not say a word when I walked in. I went to the kitchen to have my dinner and the 2 boys came down quietly. I ignored them and then I started to cry again. I made a cup of coffee and came upstairs. I told them about my anger, my hurt, my feeling that there is no longer any love in the house. They are now asleep while Derrick is still downstairs watching TV. Unreal.

Pain Body Activated, Aches & Pains All Over

The last few days have been agonizing for my body at least. Aches and pains of all kinds at all my limbs. I slapped them, whacked them, meditated on them, talked to them, to ask why they were there. I need to go back to nature, to my garden, to eating healthily. Go back to some form of macrobiotic food with homegrown vegetables.

I have been watching myself moving from emotion to emotion, from thought to thought. It is amazing how the pain body works. It confuses me, leads me on, gets me isolated. It takes a lot of awareness to pull back and pull together.

Last night I did crystal healing with rose quartz and clear crystal. The rose quartz helped remove some of the aches and pains and stabilized me.

Organics Day, Sat August 1, 2009

It was a nice day out for the family. We all huddled into the car with AMB and drove to Jalan 19/22 park to attend the event. Many big trees surround this little park by a smelly river. Quite a number of people had gathered there by the time we got there at about 9.30 am. We milled through the stalls, picking up leaflets and stuff we were interested in. I got some seeds, Jordan and Johan got some organic snacks, Joey went around looking for AMB, Derrick went to see the bamboo slapping demonstration.

We spent a bit of time at the compost demonstration and the vermicompost stall because we do composting at home. Of course, the kids got hot and bored and wanted to go home. I brought them to the playground at the end of the field so that they were distracted. Finally Derrick bought a vermicompost starter kit for RM150. Those worms are different from the ones I have.

CETDAM did a good job organizing the event. Hope more people get into organics and composting to save the environment.

Madness

What madness lies in me?

What do I believe in?

How do I live my life?

Do I need to think about it?

Who Am I Really?

There is a confusion in myself. I understand that I am a light being in a physical body that has thoughts and emotions. But as I go on in life, I lose the grip of things and life goes out of hand. I am not sure what to do. I tend to let things be. If I get too much into things, I tend to make it worse.