Coming back out again

After a couple of weeks of anxiety and despair, I am finally out of it again.  I survived another mental ordeal!  The cycle is once again complete.  How did I do it this time?  I allowed the anxiety, pain and despair to be.  I watched it and there were times when I thought I was losing it.  But I hung on and soon the negative clouds of thoughts floated away.

I was like two persons, fighting each other in the head.  You know, like the cartoons you watch on TV with the Angel and the Devil on the right and left shoulders.

Then I got to reading Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist which reminded me to listen to my heart.  Somehow, I stopped listening to my heart and just listened to my head.  I paid attention to my heart and the acceptance set in quickly.  The resistance went away.  Faith set in.

It is a great resolve...

My fingers are dirty with oil pastels.  It is a great resolve to put my heart and mind into what I am doing instead of feeling anxious and depressed.  How do I describe it?  The feeling of sadness, the feeling of fear in the gut.  Of what?  I know not.  

I started on the downhill after seeing the doctor at UMMC.  She posed questions about my past as with the other psychotherapy session with her, and then concluded that I do not have the regular form of depression.  She said that I tend to get upset and angry when things are not going my way.  It's got to do with my coping mechanism.

Is this how psychiatrists and psychologists are supposed to do?  So where do I go from here?  It's like I am on my own, which I am by the way.  Just because I do not fit into the normal form of depression, it is now my coping mechanism.

Well, let me let them know that, yes, I understand it is the way I think and process information.  It is the way I deal with issues after bearing with it.  I do not get upset at every opportunity.  I am happy with what I have, what I am.  But when one goes downhill, all these feedback do not help one who is suffering from anguish.  It is mental torture.  One cannot just switch off.

Indeed, it is a great resolve of such difficulty.  I feel so lost yet I know I will get out of this black hole, most of the time without the help of the doctors.  I heal myself over time.  Not the sessions with them, not with the medication.  On my own in time.

It's been a while...

... since I last updated my blog.  Guess there was nothing new to write about except the cyclical manner of my mood swings and reactiveness to what is.  It is such a challenge to remain in harmony on the surface.  There is understanding of the principle of being still, being non-judgmental, being just the watcher.  In reality and practice, the understanding tends to get kicked about by the ego and the thoughts.

Which brings me to the conclusion (again) that this challenge is what I need to learn and overcome in this lifetime.  In some occasions, there is no issue.  The sky is blue, the breeze is blowing, leaves on the trees are rustling, there is a beautiful (lack of a better word) stillness.  And I am happy with the housework, the gardening, the ironing, the cooking.  Blissful!

Then there are times when the smallest of words from a loved one can cause a volcano to erupt and floods of tears to fall.  Most times this happens before or during the period a woman bleeds, horrors of horrors.  All balance and harmony gets lost, reactivity is the name of the game.  The storm is at Mach 5.  Nothing can stand in the way of the Hurricane.  Then just as the storm came, it disappears into the calm after a couple of days.

In the last few months, post finding Mooji on Youtube, I have been once again "searching".  I tried out a couple of meetups with people with similar interest in meditation and yoga, and decided that teachers and masters are hard to come by.  Watching Mooji, I count my blessings that I have had Shihan Goh is my meditation teacher years ago.  I count my blessings that I have a supportive family (even though at trying times I wished I had none).  I count my blessings that I have some friends whom I can call on now and again.

And in the need to come out of the hole of darkness, I decided that it is time for me to take up some colours and do some art to release some of the anxiety, worries, anger, sadness...  I have put it aside for too long.  It does not matter what I draw or how I colour, it is the focus and attention on creating something out of nothing.  It is a great resolve.