Dr Khatijah at UMMC

My first appointment with Dr Khatijah this morning. Getting to UMMC from home was real quick, getting into the carpark and getting a spot was another thing. The multilevel carpark at UMMC is so poorly designed. After circling the building up to 5th floor, a car was coming out and I got in. Then I found my way to the Main Tower 1st floor - The Psychiatric Department.

I registered myself at 10.30 and got to see Dr Khatijah straight away. She spent an hour getting to know me and how I got into depression. We talked about my recent manic attack, about work at Shell, about my childhood. Talking about work at Shell made me sad and weepy all at once. I apologized for crying but she said she understood. She asked me questions in a very structured manner, finding as much as she could about incidents and how I felt. I am able to confide in her.

She will call me for the next appointment. And I see Dr Jambunathan on Monday.

Going from Up to Down and Up again

Each month (even each day), I experience the ups and downs like a yoyo. I see myself going from normal to high to low so often that it seems like part of me. Of course, reading Osho books make me realize that this is what my first self (aka ego) is all about, my personality. I see me reacting to stuff. I start the day on facebook (ego), do the house chores which can be very meditative. Then I tend to my garden and fish, nature heals. At times, I get over confident (manic) and it is pretty scary. It is like there are 2 or 3 of me, in different parts of the day or month.

I have been cooking meals for my family and I find cooking quite therapeutic. But then most evenings, after a long day, I tend to get upset with my family easily. There is an expectation that family members chip in whenever they can. There is a feeling that I am taken for granted. I get angry, and then I break down in tears. The whole house emanates with a negative charge when I get into that mode. Fortunately I get out of that mode fast.

Gardening my way out of the blues

One of the things I did during my recovery from this recent bout of depression was to get back to my garden and gardening which was left unattended when I was down and out. I really got on my knees, started digging into the soil, moving my plants around to create a new look for the garden.

In my garden, there are different types of plants interspersed with river stones collected from Ulu Langat river clearing many years ago. Some of my plants are about 10 years old.

At the same time, I started on vermiculture. Vermi what? Composting and worm farming. Working with soil and worms, I grew to enjoy handling these creatures some people would steer clear of. More about vermiculture in my next article.