Life in all its goodness and simplicity

Life is good and simple. We make it complicated. We label everything, this is good, that is bad. He is successful, she is a good for nothing. Why not just accept things for what they are? Life is an experience, whatever it offers. We decide how we want to live it. Not others. We decide.

Even Mother Nature is not spared from our criticism. We call the rain bad weather. We call the rising waters floods caused by rain. We complain when it is too hot. We forget that Mother Nature provides without a second thought. Yes, floods cause inconvenience. Yes, rising waters take lives. But these natural phenomenons happen even in the desert. What comes after raging floods is life, renewal.

I find the most difficult to understand are human beings. We are born with brains that think, mouths that talk, heart that feels. Yet many a time, all these just expand negativity when they can expand positivity. We live in a man made materialistic world, filled with concrete and metal, and cut and carved wood. I salute those who have gone back to basics, to nature, to sustainable farming, to good life and simple life.

I do not profess to be a wholesome person, but I try my level best at my best mental state to do what I can to provide for my family, in as positive a manner I can do. Each night as I lay down to sleep with my family (we share a common room even though we have several rooms), I look at my boys with awe and love at the miracles they are, growing. Such angels in their sleep when they can be so mischievous awake.

Life is good and simple, only if we want to see it that way.

Ponderings of Depression and Faith

As we approach the new year 2011, I am compelled to write my thoughts after a note from an uncle re getting a job and renewing my faith in Christ Jesus.

Since I was medically boarded out from Shell in 2008, I have been a home body focusing on my mental state and my family. Being at home, in my comfort zone, has kept me balanced to a certain degree. I am no longer exposed to office politics and unfair corporate practices. I am no longer exposed to negative talk. I keep my mind focused on house chores and my kids' education. Washing the bathrooms, mopping the floor, ironing, cooking, gardening have kept me focused in my life these 2 years. After all, this is what Shell Management asked me to do when the Company discharged me from service honorably.

Don't get me wrong. I have attempted to go back to work (on voluntary basis in an NGO). However, there were setbacks, just like when I was in Shell. I crashed out. The only difference now is that I am aware of my mental state and take affirmative action not to fall deep into the hole of despair like when I was in Shell. I still get anxiety attacks, hit the blues, go into weepy spells but now it happens behind closed doors of my home and is not prolonged like when I was working.

I am not trying to excuse myself from returning to work life. Rather, I do not wish to see myself cringing in mental anguish under my work desk when something snaps in my head and I go banging my head, sobbing my heart out, thinking of death and dying (no, I am not suicidal). Visions of death and dying just happen.

Of course there have been times when I feel a tinge of "regret" that I have this dis-ease called depression but that is just like denial or wishful thinking. It does not help as it has happened. However, in most cases, there is acceptance, non-judgment, self awareness.

I cannot control people's thoughts about my life. Questions like what is depression, how I got depression, what it feels like, do bother me sometimes because most people do not understand or do not wish to understand, do not listen, do not see me for what I truly am. Instead, they wish to see me working like any other normal person. Which is why I prefer not to talk about it.

Maybe to people, I look and act normal. Surely they do not wish to see me acting crazy! That would be madness and not depression. I look and act normal because I am aware of who I am and what I am doing, I am aware of what I can do. I cannot pretend to be someone I am not and right now I am not the person who can just go to work like normal because I know at the slightest trigger, something someone says is going to tip me over and I fall flat on my face sobbing.

Some doctors would say that that is my defence mode. I do not know what to call it. It saddens me that to this day, people do not know what goes on in their heads. People look but they do not see, they hear but do not listen, like what Jesus said about having eyes and ears and not seeing or listening.

This brings about my faith, what I believe in. I believe in all good things, in God (The Ultimate Supreme Being). I have been to 3 Catholic retreats and some priests have told me that I can practice my faith in my own way because my God is all loving, all compassionate, all embracing. My God has no name. No word can express my faith. I need not rely on structured prayers because my God is a personal, internal God. God lives in me. And no sin is so great that He will abandon me.

People have got structured beliefs of what religions and Gods are like, all so regulated, that they cannot tolerate differences of faith. Ultimately, we all go home to the same place, come what may. And God does not differentiate.

Ever so often, I see people who go to church or other places of worship, pledging love and forgiveness, and coming out being intolerant, racist, critical, judgmental. That is being so hypocritical, unreal! Why bother praying when all we do is complain, fight, argue, say unkind things, criticize after that?

So my faith is about positivity in any little way I can, in the mental state I am in. Some of my beliefs ~ We are all parts of the same body, Be still and know that I am God, Love your neighbour as yourself.

Now I wish everyone Love and Light, not Happy New Year, because at the end of the day, what is happiness? It is that momentary emotion when something feels right and good. It is not permanent. I go for Peace and Inner Joy, Contentment, even in moments of anguish.

Love and Light.

Family Activities During the School Holidays

It has been a long month full of activities since November 22 when we took off for the East Coast. After coming home from Tanjung Jara and Dungun, we have had a couple of days free in between family visits, boys at camp and year end holiday down south (Muar and Singapore). The activities have left me so tired as I have not been sleeping well the last few weeks.

Having said that, we all had a wonderful time with family. For Jordan and Johan, it is new found friends at the Youth Camp.

Down south in Muar, we spent 2 nights with Father (Grandpa) and visited nephew John's fish farm to get 2 nice patin fish. Mila cooked 1 (2 kilos cut into slices) half in masak lemak and half in masak asam. It was so yummy the boys kept asking for more and more. Of course, it was Winter Solcetice Festival, so I made some thong ren (saw ngee) for Father and the boys.

After 2 nights in Muar, we departed for Singapore on the 23rd. We got into Singapore after a long wait at the Singapore Immigration (had to stop the car for 20 minutes as all came to a complete stop entering the island). We headed for Auntie Lucy's immediately, found our way to Jalan Redop, and brought her out for lunch. Then we headed for Uncle Lee's at Serangoon North to spend a night. The boys dived straight onto the laptops after saying hi to Benny who is a Warcraft fan. We all ate at home and squeezed into Sarah's little room for the night.

On Christmas eve, we went out for breakfast, went to a new shopping Mall NEXX for a walkabout and lunch, then made our way to Kembangan to spend Christmas with Derrick's uncle's family. George and Gwen were wonderful hosts and the boys had a fine time with their young uncles and auntie (Gavin, Gabrina and Gareth). The highlight of the visit was Christmas eve dinner, prepared by the talented Gwen. We had turkey, ham, mac and cheese, potato salad, salad and smoked salmon. Then it was opening presents time! The boys got lots of Chocs and biscuits.

Went to church on Christmas morning and the boys did behave themselves rather well for the hour in mass. We visited Gwen's mom in the afternoon at Mt Sinai. This classical lady is so humble in her fine home. She is truly a wonderful person with lots of wisdom to share.

On Boxing Day, I went to church with George and Gwen (a 2nd time in a row). After breakfast, we all went to Sungei Buloh Wetlands for a walk. This wetlands is close by to Kranji and directly opposite Johor Baru. We saw lots of monitor lizards, migratory birds and spiders amidst the swampy land. Late lunch was Ampang Yong Tau Foo with chicken rice. Then a bit of shopping at a closeby mall.

Dinner was an other course of dishes prepared by Gwen. They had invited Choo's family as well as George's foster family. There were some 20 over people in the house.

On Monday, our last day in Singapore, we went to Woodlands to look at food suppliers which Gwen told us about. We bought ham, salami, smoked salmon, sweet meat, brownies, etc. to bring back home. We left Singapore at about 2, got in a jam at the causeway on the way in to JB. Then it was all the way back to Muar for another night with Father. We had to make this trip as we needed to collect our frozen fish from Parit Jawa before Christmas. It was nice to spend another night with Father. We are planning to bring him to Singapore during the coming CNY.

And yesterday, we left Muar at 10.30 after breakfast, got to Catholic High to get Jordan's uniform, bought him his shorts from Professor and came home to home sweet home. We unloaded, put the clothes to wash, and went over to Marg's place to put some stuff in her freezer.

Got back home at 5 to finally shower and rest. By now, I had a fever and body aches...

Changing Weathers

They say that our weather is changing due to green house effect. But our weather naturally by itself is changing through time. Earth has gone from ice age to ice age, moved from dinosaur age to medieval age to renaissance to industrialization to modernization. Earth has aged gracefully, whether we know it or not. Whatever era it is, Earth continues to live. Through natural disasters and man made ones.

Another changing weather is our selves. I am one big climate change. I can be sunny, happy and worry-free one moment, weepy and torrential the next. Seasons change around us and in us. We have our ups and our downs. And these changes can come slowly or rapidly. Nonetheless, I note the changes and its warnings. Like the last 2 days. The sun is shining and then suddenly the sky darkens and it starts to rain.

People talk about weather control and self control. I say it is natural. Some people get angry and abusive, I get teary and weep in situations.

So I say Let it be. Of course, we must all try to do what we can to save the environment. Use less paper so that less trees need to be chopped down. Compost so that there is less kitchen waste. Buy less so that less things need to be produced, less carbon material needs to be burnt. Buy enough to use, not to waste.

Some people like to buy stuff to decorate their homes. I say less is best. The more stuff we buy, the more the manufacturers need to produce, the more land needs to be cleared, the more industrial effluents are produced, the more pollution there is. The more people Earth has, the more cars, the more houses, the more things, the more food, the more problems.

So what with climate change? People need to make that change first.