Back Home in Muar

We came back to my hometown on Friday evening. Traffic was good as most travelling for the long weekend had done so on Thursday and Friday morning. We had a good dinner with Peter, Siew Kee, Sarah and Victor as well as Father and Mila.

I did lots of weeding in Father's garden yesterday and today. There is just too much weed with the rain and now the sun. After changkul-ing for some time, I decided to pull the bigger weeds instead so that the cow grass can grow and use the scissors to trim the cow grass which has grown long. This evening, I will burn the weeds so that the seeds are destroyed totally. Don't want the garden to be over-ridden with weeds again.

Gardening also keeps me in the present. Makes me understand that no matter how much weeding we do, there will still be more spouting up all the time. Much like thoughts. With that understanding, I am able to accept my situation.

HEALTHYSELF

What do I see in the title phrase? Healthy Self and heal thy self. I am getting to know thy (read my) self to get out of this situation which keeps repeating itself again and again, like a vicious cycle. People ask "How did I get into this situation?" and make comments like "You don't look like you are suffering from depression.". Unless one is aware of what depression is, it is rather difficult to explain as words cannot describe it all, this feeling.

But along the way, I have found that I need to heal myself. Medication just cannot do it. Medication dulls the mind, makes me tired all the time, makes me forgetful. I want to go back to basics, go back to nature, go back to who I really am. Working with nature, living life simply, ridding my body of chemicals which seem to "treat" the brain.

Last night, I attended a talk by a self proclaimed healer and she said the same things I believe in. Healing has to start with myself. I cannot depend on others. I have to call on nature and invoke the power of the universe. But even at the talk, there were skeptics, there were those who do not understand the meaning of "soul", who only look at life situations as problems they wish someone could help them with.

And all the time, we were talking about timeless time, subtle energies, conscious and unconscious. Whether everything was fully understood, I do not know because at the end, it got kind of ugly with questions hurled at the healer. Jesus once said "You too can be like me." but how many truly listened? The body is God itself. Let the body heal itself. However, we have to be aware of it all, accept it all and surrender to God (our true self which we have lost connection with).

Sleepless Again

Awoke twice this early morning, had diarrhea. Now feeling sleepless. Have been feeling sensitive the last 9 days since the weaning started. Cry once or twice each day. Highly sensitized. Read that it would take some 3-8 months for full recovery of withdrawal. Talked with Derrick yesterday morning and it turned ugly. I had to start crying.

This is where Derrick and I are so different. He is not expressive and I am the touchy lovey dovey type. I am yin and he is yang. Perhaps that is why we match - yin and yang, the Tao.

It's Been A Difficult Period

For the last month, I have been feeling like a yoyo, from normal to low to normal to weepy to normal to anxious. I really don't know what to write now. I feel so lost for words. I have been spending a lot of time at home, not going out. Not calling my sisters who are living so close by. I feel so blue, so broken at times...

Toads added to our backyard pond

Joey and I found 2 toads (or are they bull frogs) at Kiara Park on Sunday and brought them home to be placed in our backyard pond. They are now hiding among the garden edge. They look so cute and fat. The pond area is almost complete with fish, turtle and now toads.