Downhill Again

Had an exchange with Derrick on Sunday night when I accidentally dropped an ice pack from the freezer. He flipped and shouted at me for being careless, that he has been using it for months and nothing happened to it. As I was kind of feeling down, I shouted back and said that it was just an ice pack and ran upstairs sobbing in anger.

It has been since then that he has stayed away from me and me away from him. It is very stressful for me and now my chest is painful and breathing is shallow as I cannot sleep well at night. I feel so inadequate that I am not able to rationalize with him. He has asked me to go to Mary's house for a couple of days since I am so stressed but I do not want to be with people.

He told me to leave him alone for a few days, to accept his behaviour and let go. I told him to just do that, to let it go. But he is too damn egoistic to let it go.

Feeling Better Today

Yesterday, I spent half a day at the library, looking for books to read. Found a book about tea drinking and another on martial arts. Quite relaxing books to read. Also found Good Housekeeping's book on housekeeping. Tended to my fish after that. Then I went to Kiara Park with Joey in the evening.

Today things went back to normal pace as I felt better. Of course, I do not overdo it so that I get my doze of rest and relaxation.

Acceptance of Who I Am

I am who I am.

Even in depression.

Even in sadness.

It is just the feelings that I feel.

The feelings are not who I am.

I have to keep being aware

and watching what I am feeling

and thinking as my mind goes wandering

in thinking the worst.

I feel like I am going bonkers at times

but somehow I always come back to myself.

So I accept that it is just my feelings

and thinking that are making me feel

depressed which I am not.

It's like there are two of me

inside of me, battling it out.

The stillness, the light.

The noise, the darkness.

I accept that it is like the waves on the beach

which never stops.

The waves keep coming and going...

well actually they keep coming.

Wave after wave after wave.

And when the wave reaches the beach, it bounces back.

It bounces back. In out, in out, in out.

Interest Free Play in Sadness

What is the word to describe it?

I just cannot think of it.

I just feel sad.

I am playing Bejeweled

interest free in sadness.

Why do I feel this way?

I feel emptiness.

I feel nausea.

Why oh why do I have to feel this way?

Nausea and A Feeling of Sadness

Watching a movie called Penelope, I felt touched and sad that the world is so fascinated with outward beauty. In fact, I feel butterflies in my tummy (nausea) and a tinge of sadness. I feel weepy. Is this part of my depression? It feels so strange that I feel like this. But I cannot break out of it. I can only watch it and feel it.

Awake 10-10-09, 4 am

Been awake for a while, cannot go back to sleep. Mind is very active, thinking about things, irrelevant things. Did yoga stretches to relax. Mind has a mind of its own. Fortunately, not feeling tired. Keep thinking about Bejeweled Blitz.

Depression + Pre-Menstrual Tension = ???

I am very sure my hormone levels have got an effect on my emotions, which Dr Ho discounted. Being sensitive is not at all good for the senses. Makes one weepy, easily upset, blue, or is it the other way around??? My new shrink had better diagnose my situation correctly. Otherwise, I will go see Dr Jambunathan after all.

Feelings of Worthlessness, Loss of Interest

These feelings are coming back and I am fully aware of it. All kinds of thoughts racing through my head. I cannot relax, cannot sit down and be still. I ventured out to help an NGO with its website and I have not been able to come up with anything. I cannot think except function at a very low level in keeping my household. I try to look at things positively but cannot. I feel hemmed in. I cannot talk with anyone, not even Derrick. I feel that people will not understand...