Thomas Merton and me

Today, I found Thomas Merton.  I was looking at Osho's autobiography at Borders and found the book Seeds, and started to go through the bookshelves looking for whatever books there were by him.  I finally chose Dialogues with Silence as his writings reflect my feelings a lot.  He has explored all religions, much like myself, and he is so open about the different teachings.

Immediately I called my sister Helen to ask her about him, a Trappist monk.  Of course, she knows about him as she has one of his books, Seven Steps Mountain.

I am kind of happy and relieved that I have found another Catholic priest (besides Anthony De Mello) who found his way like I am finding my way now.  For so long, I thought I was a prodigal daughter, a lost sheep.  Now I understand that I have been soul searching, trying to reconnect with God (The Supreme Being, The Ultimate, The Essence, The Source, the I Am, The Tao...).  I now feel close to God (the Catholic understanding) because He is part of me.

Maranatha - Sunday

I penned down my thoughts in the morning ~ Coming for this retreat, I thought would give me peace of mind.  But I am now feeling more confused, full of questions about what I believe in, whether I am doing right or wrong.  I feel more turmoil now, more thoughts of uncertainty, more headache.

I want to go back to the stillness inside, back to who I truly am.  I feel unsettled, feathers ruffled.  BRUSH IT OFF.  Accept what is.  Agree to disagree.  That is what life is all about - finding self.  We lose ourselves and we find ourselves.

I felt better after writing down my thoughts and the sun shines strong in the cool air.

At lunch, I felt touched by God.  I enjoyed the meal and good thoughts game by.  I looked at the trees and everything is as it is.  Everything is in its place.  Even the frogs in the pond.  I feel so much love in nature.

Nature is so forgiving, Nature is so adapting, Nature is so accommodating, Nature is God.

The seeds of the dandelion float in the air, carried by light breeze in the sun.

I was in conflict with my self (thoughts, feelings).

Now I am at peace with my self (light).

The beauty of this place radiates with love and light.  The beauty of this place radiates with God.

In the noise of our minds, in the stillness of our hearts.

Thank you for your wonder.

Thank you for your space.

Thank you for talking to me in your language of love and silence.

I am at peace with myself.  There are no more thoughts, just a sense of fulfillment.  I was angry yesterday.  I wanted to read more earlier on.  I feel I need not do more now.

I felt light when I arrived.  I felt heavy when I was upset.  I feel both light and heavy now.  No more questions.

Rejoice!

Time Out To Be Alone

I have been back in depression for a couple of weeks now, despite taking my medication with dosage increase.  One important thing I have learned is to have moments alone in silence, not doing anything complicated.  

My siblings thought they could take me out of my home environment (kids being stressors when they are naughty) and have me over at their place, not realising that being away from familiar grounds is stressful as well.  I found that being with my siblings, I needed to join in their chatter, their activities, their routine.  All these caused great amount of anxiety to be built up.  So instead of getting more rest, I end up being more tired.

I did not know how to let them know that I need to be alone at home in silence.  So I told my doctor my anxieties and got her to tell my sisters that I need time on my own alone.

It is good now that I am at home alone upstairs, kids in school.  I have some peace of mind.  We all need to remember that at times, we need our own time out, no matter how long it takes.