Maranatha - Sunday

I penned down my thoughts in the morning ~ Coming for this retreat, I thought would give me peace of mind.  But I am now feeling more confused, full of questions about what I believe in, whether I am doing right or wrong.  I feel more turmoil now, more thoughts of uncertainty, more headache.

I want to go back to the stillness inside, back to who I truly am.  I feel unsettled, feathers ruffled.  BRUSH IT OFF.  Accept what is.  Agree to disagree.  That is what life is all about - finding self.  We lose ourselves and we find ourselves.

I felt better after writing down my thoughts and the sun shines strong in the cool air.

At lunch, I felt touched by God.  I enjoyed the meal and good thoughts game by.  I looked at the trees and everything is as it is.  Everything is in its place.  Even the frogs in the pond.  I feel so much love in nature.

Nature is so forgiving, Nature is so adapting, Nature is so accommodating, Nature is God.

The seeds of the dandelion float in the air, carried by light breeze in the sun.

I was in conflict with my self (thoughts, feelings).

Now I am at peace with my self (light).

The beauty of this place radiates with love and light.  The beauty of this place radiates with God.

In the noise of our minds, in the stillness of our hearts.

Thank you for your wonder.

Thank you for your space.

Thank you for talking to me in your language of love and silence.

I am at peace with myself.  There are no more thoughts, just a sense of fulfillment.  I was angry yesterday.  I wanted to read more earlier on.  I feel I need not do more now.

I felt light when I arrived.  I felt heavy when I was upset.  I feel both light and heavy now.  No more questions.

Rejoice!

Maranatha - Saturday

Was awake from 5 am, brushed my teeth, showered (coooldddd.... brrr...) and went down to read and reflect. When the sun came up, I saw 2 hornbills flying off from their roost on a tall durian tree.  I went for a stroll to see the big house next door which had a couple of noisy barking dogs.  The dogs seem not a natural part of Janda Baik, introduced by humans.  Their incessant barking seem out of place in the still of the place. Time flew by quickly and soon it was breakfast time.  We had simple fried meehoon and toast.  This time onward, we all ate silently with light meditation music in the background and the jungle sounds.

The day went on well until I asked the Spiritual Director a question about the Bible and why so many words were needed to preach the Old Testament (which seemed not relevant, having names of people and places of pre-Christ), and it being translated so often with changing words and meanings.  It led me to ponder and have more questions.

I did not take Fr David's response too kindly and got into an anger mode, not so much with Fr David but rather with the Church.  I have chosen to stay away from Church from young as the Church (through its nuns, priests and rituals) did not provide me answers to questions I had posed then.  We were raised and the Bible states that God is a violent, punishing God.  I have always believed that God is ever loving, ever forgiving; that God is everywhere in everything and everyone; that we are all one.  Yet the Church seem to tell me that I do not understand and not to ask too many questions.

My mind was in torment and turmoil.  I felt so confused, so out of place, so unbelonged.  I retreated into myself.  That was to be a revelation.

My Experience at Maranatha - Friday evening

Helen and I arrived at Maranatha rather excited on Friday evening.  The drive there from SS2 had been easy via DUKE highway.  We got a little lost at Janda Baik and after circling twice and asking the security guard, we found the retreat house at Persiaran Pine (2nd right after guardhouse).

The weather was cool and we were hungry.  The smell of dinner cooking oozed out of the kitchen into the cool air in front of the house.  We got the room keys (No 305), went upstairs to drop our bags and went back down to the dining hall.  We introduced ourselves to the other retreatants and then got the food.  Hmm... food never tasted so good in the cold.  We all ate noisily (not smacking lips) chattering away with new found friends. I noticed the noise in the dining and the sounds that were coming from the jungle surrounding the house.  The birds, monkeys and cicadas were chattering away as well but in a more harmonious manner.

Fr David had a short session with us after dinner to kick off the retreat.  We all went our way to read and reflect.  I chose to be in the dining hall, with a hot cup of Milo, the Bible, my diary and my shawl.

Maranatha Retreat House, Janda Baik

It was a nice cool stay at the retreat house with daily temperature between 18 and 22 degrees Celcius. Birds, monkeys and cicadas sing through the day. We were lucky it did not rain otherwise it would have been colder.

The silent retreat (A Place For God) was led by Fr David Townsend and there were 14 retreatants including me and my sister Helen. We met with Harold Gomez again. He was with the same retreat group in August 2008 (Healing the Pains of the Past with Fr Philip Chircop).

I had some personal experience this time again and will write more in the next post.

Back in the Hole of Depression

I realise that I have slipped back into depression.  Each time I get into depression, I look for books to read.  This time, I got a book by Philip Martin, The Zen Path through Depression.  Philip writes the book with his own experience in depression.

I then read my diary about the time I attended a silent retreat at Maranatha House, Janda Baik, called Healing the Past.  I recall Father Philip telling us to forgive and forget, to go into ourselves and to make ourselves whole again.