Why Can't I Just Stay Present?

I am feeling down the dumps right now.  My eyes are swollen from too much sobbing last night.  What happened?  I was feeling drained and toning down for the day, preparing for bed.  Jordan and Joey started to argue over an eraser.  Joey had taken Jordan's eraser and refused to return it.  Jordan was upset.  I had to coax Joey into returning the eraser which he did so reluctantly.  Then I sat down to be quiet for a while.  Joey wanted me to read with him and I started crying.  I sobbed and sobbed, feeling so much hurt in my heart.  It felt broken. I wrote a note for Jordan and Johan to read about my broken heart.

I do not question why  my kids argue.  I question why I respond to situations like this, every time it happens, I cry and cry.  I beg them not to fight anymore, to listen when I tell them to stop.  I implored.

Dear Lord, I am at wits end trying to be a good mother.  I cook and I keep the house clean yet there is no appreciation.  The boys just mess up the house.  I keep telling them to help out by picking up their stuff and doing simple chores like hanging up the laundry but excuses after excuses, grumblings after grumblings.  Even Johan complaints and whines when I ask him to help out.  They only listen to Derrick who is ever present.

Why can't I be present?  Why can't I stay present?  Why do I react to situations at home?  Why do I even react to the boys' antics?  I should know better than that.

I want peace but I do not have peace inside of me.  Peace seem to have left me, just like wisdom.  Dear Lord, please help me regain myself and retain my sanity.