Into The Darkness Again

The last couple of days have been rather dark days for me even though there was nothing that happened.  I suddenly felt blue all over again, post a meltdown on CNY Day 3.  I thought I was over the darkness but somehow it overwhelmed me again.

I talked with Derrick this morning to tell him that I am feeling blue and he told me not to challenge it, just to look at it and accept it.  I shed some tears as my head was feeling to tensed, my chest constricted.  I was choking, suffocating.  People ask why I suffer depression.  I don't know why, I just feel blue, choking, weepy.

People say take it easy, but when the boys are naughty and making too much noise, I blow.  Somehow, I cannot accept the noise.  I stare into emptiness when I get too tired.  At times, I think I am cracking up as I have no control over my thoughts.  They just go on and on like clouds in the sky, like waves in the ocean.  I am lost in those useless thoughts, they are so tiresome, so tiring.  And when my head is just too tensed, I stop thinking and feel numb.  That is when the choking sensation starts, the weepiness.

People say they understand, but when the crunch come, they seem not able to help.  And that is when I really want to be left alone.  I withdraw into myself.  Strangely, I know I have to accept and that I have to heal myself but at the crunch, it all dissolves and I am completely lost in the choking sensation.  There is no way to get out of that feeling, so Derrick said to just feel it.  There is so much pent-up energy waiting to be released.  And when the moment is right, it all gushes out in tears and frustration.  Then comes the silence.

Just as day turns into night, my thoughts and emotions go from light to dark.  I am aware that this is happening and there is nothing I can do about it except to watch it rise.  And the best way for me to let it go is to go somewhere where I am alone and write it all down, in this case type it all done.  Then the ego and the pain body who are buddies slide into the shadows again, leaving me tired and without thought.

Nice Day Out

I woke up feeling dizzy this morning at 7.15 but decided not to get back to sleep as it looked like a nice day outside.  Opened the windows and heard the birds chirping afar.  I have had my breakfast and read today's papers.  My head is still feeling heavy and stuffed but it's ok, let's not waste the day.  So I am feeling blue but there is acceptance.

I have been in touch with some of my new found friends the MMHA Support Group who have been very supportive.  We have even decided to rename the support group to something which sounds more positive and happy rather than Depression Support Group which sounds depressive.  A couple of suggestions have come up - Jolly Club and Just Be.

We do realise that being happy or sad is a choice we all make.  We will always try to be happy despite feeling blue.  Like the Happy Depressive!

Feeling blue again

I woke up feeling tense and blue today. Why? I do not know. There were no obvious triggers. I just woke up like that after an unrestful sleep. Tossed and turned, woke up twice. The 2nd time I awoke, my body ached so much that I had to do yoga to ease the body back to relaxation. Don't know what time I managed to get back to sleep but I woke up at 8.45 this morning feeling like a tonne of bricks fell on me. My head throbbed and my shoulders ached so much. My eyeballs felt like they were popping out. My jaws felt clenched.

I told Derrick that I needed quiet time alone. After breakfast, I went upstairs to sleep at 10 am with Joey playing by the bed. I woke up again only at 1 pm to have a bite and went back up to sleep again, this time till 3 pm. Why was I feeling so tired?

Went to the library with Derrick after I woke up and flipped through 2 books on gardening until 5 pm. Then I wanted to have a bite as I felt hungry.

We got home at 6 and I watched a bit of TV. Then I walked to school to fetch Johan. We took a slow walk home.

So what caused this blueness? I feel sad and weepy. I thought about life and find that I do have everything, a good husband, 3 wonderful boys (who are very loving but can be very naughty at times), a home with a nice garden... yet I feel empty...

Understanding Tao, I accept that I am going through a blue phase but it leaves a gnawing feeling in the stomach. I feel nausea. What can be done but just to feel it....

Into The Abyss and Out Again

2004
I first noticed it in October 2004 when my 3rd born son, Jo-uwe was 2 months old. I was feeling weepy all the time. I asked my gynae, Dr Suzanna for advice and she referred me to a psychiatrist at Damansara Specialist Hospital, Dr Khasmani. Dr Khasmani confirmed that I was in mild depression and did not need any medication, and that I will come out of it. In the meantime, it got worse. When I saw her in December, she suggested that I go on a mild anti-depressant called Cipram 20g. I totally flipped at the thought and decided not to see her anymore, telling myself that it will all go away, and that I will get back to normal.

In the meantime, I continued with my life, balancing work and home. My 3 sons were young and needed my attention. Fortunately, my husband Derrick attended to their needs during the day while I was at work. At work, I was trying to keep myself sane but the 2nd incident, which impacted me really badly was a farewell function for my boss Arjun on December 26 where I lost myself. (The 1st incident was when I got the bad news that the job evaluation for my position to be upgraded was a let down, despite Arjun having promised me earlier being team leader.)

2005
The year started with my department getting a new boss, Chinese New Year went by and I was getting sick for no reason. I would suffer pain in the chest, nausea, body aches, migraine. I had to see our panel doctor Dr Tee several times but I did not get better. Finally in April she decided to refer me to a psychiatrist. An appointment was made with Dr Brian Ho at Pantai Medical Hospital. When I saw him and told him about what was happening to me, he decided straight away to put me on Cipram and he told me that recovery would take about 6-9 months. I was optimistic, taking it diligently at first. I felt better after about 2 months and one day on my own I stopped taking the medication following some sharing I did with some friends that I should not take drugs for depression, that I had to work it out myself. That proved a mistake. In July, the blue feeling came back. I was taken to task by Dr Ho for trying to be too smart.

In August that year, I attended a healing retreat in Penang as a complementary route to recover. The healer was a wonderful lady named Rochelle. I discovered a lot about myself there, that I can do art quite well as an expression of who I am. Thinking that the worst is over, I returned to work. Then I crashed out in October. Because I was not responding to the medication now, Dr Ho decided to place me in the hospital for a week while a change of medication was to be put in place which did not come on too well as I was always feeling drowsy and lethargic. Then things turned around and I got better. However, despite that, Dr Ho kept me on medical leave until end of the year. I spent a lot of time at the library and there I found a wonderful book titled The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

In December, I was put on counseling by Shell’s Medical Adviser with Valerie Xavier to help me understand what had caused all these episodes to occur. And it was going to take a few 90 minute sessions to establish the causes and triggers.

2006 – Shell as a Global company
In the course of 6 months, Valerie established the factors and came up with a program for me to follow at work. Goh Doh Kit, my boss since a year ago was very supportive. And the counseling sessions continued, first on a fortnightly basis, eventually became a monthly basis. Although I experienced some minor episodes in the office (most critical being, sobbing under the table), I was able to recover quickly. Valerie gave me a fit billing in June. And I stopped seeing her for 3 months. Goh and his boss Jennifer Clark were very supportive and wanted me to focus on recovering.

Sometime in Quarter 2 that year, we were told that the vacant team lead position which I had relinquished was to be filled by a colleague of mine, Najeb. Although I was certain that it would not affect me, it did as the position was once mine. Things started to roller coast in September and I was in the blue again. Somehow I managed to keep myself afloat for some time.

2007
The year started well with Derrick and I preparing for Chinese New Year. We were planning several nice meals with my sisters as several siblings were coming home for the celebration. But that was not meant to be. Things fell apart for me on Day 2 of the festivities, things some people said and things some people did not do. Back at work, it snowballed and in March, I was on medical leave for 2 weeks. Things improved for a while and then I crashed out again in May. This time round, I was out for 6 weeks, including 10 days in the hospital. It was during this time that Dr Ho decided to change my medication to Efexor 150g along with a mood stabilizer called Epilim and Stilnox for sleeping. Dr Ho came to see me every day to monitor how I was responding to the new medication. I was soon out of the blues.

I returned to work in July to face several new team members in the department, Edwin and Sherin. And while I was away on medical leave, Najeb was planning for a family away weekend/team building in August at Awana Kijal, as recommended by Dr Ho since my cause of distress is office. The people who were to conduct the team building are Shell’s Employee Assistance Program associates, Turning Point Integrated Wellness Sdn Bhd.
The 1.5 days with Turning Point was impactful for the team as we did a lot of sharing and found out a lot about each other’s character and personality. I did my fair share of sharing and broke down a couple of times. But the next few months were not going to be easy for me, like a roller coaster. There were many moments that I broke down in tears in the office. Fortunately I had my family and the weekends.


Shell was working on an organization review in the meantime. My job is impacted. I am told to apply for jobs including my own job. I had to prepare for the worst. The one thing which tends to happen if one is prepared for the worst, the worst fails to come. I got my own job back but it is merged with another job.


2008 to present
The first 4 months of the year went well. I took to the additional role rather well and even started attending functions and organizing meetings/interfaces with business partners. It was going too well with small emotional breaks and rapid recoveries. I was only building up momentum for the roller coaster to crash.


It happened in May. I felt it coming, about the same time as the China earthquake. I started to sink into the darkest moment of my life. I felt helpless, hopeless, like time stopped. I was in a daze for days to come. Nothing in my mind, just spending time in the spareroom of our house alone. I could not even spend time with my family. I just wanted to be alone.


I alerted everyone I needed to alert - my boss, my doctor, my family, my sisters.


There was a day I remember well - I was taking my shower and suddenly I felt that I was not going to live another day, that I was going to die. I got out of the shower, dressed up, went to talk with my eldest sister who was visiting and told her what had just happened. She was worried, I was not. I told her that I will write my will there and then, and that she be my will executor. Now what does it feel like, to have that feeling of death? At that moment, I felt peaceful. There was no fear. I just accepted it.


The sense of weepiness and helplessness did not go away for weeks to come. Altogether, I was away from work for 5 weeks. Now I am back in the office, phasing myself back to work.