I talked with Derrick this morning to tell him that I am feeling blue and he told me not to challenge it, just to look at it and accept it. I shed some tears as my head was feeling to tensed, my chest constricted. I was choking, suffocating. People ask why I suffer depression. I don't know why, I just feel blue, choking, weepy.
People say take it easy, but when the boys are naughty and making too much noise, I blow. Somehow, I cannot accept the noise. I stare into emptiness when I get too tired. At times, I think I am cracking up as I have no control over my thoughts. They just go on and on like clouds in the sky, like waves in the ocean. I am lost in those useless thoughts, they are so tiresome, so tiring. And when my head is just too tensed, I stop thinking and feel numb. That is when the choking sensation starts, the weepiness.
People say they understand, but when the crunch come, they seem not able to help. And that is when I really want to be left alone. I withdraw into myself. Strangely, I know I have to accept and that I have to heal myself but at the crunch, it all dissolves and I am completely lost in the choking sensation. There is no way to get out of that feeling, so Derrick said to just feel it. There is so much pent-up energy waiting to be released. And when the moment is right, it all gushes out in tears and frustration. Then comes the silence.
Just as day turns into night, my thoughts and emotions go from light to dark. I am aware that this is happening and there is nothing I can do about it except to watch it rise. And the best way for me to let it go is to go somewhere where I am alone and write it all down, in this case type it all done. Then the ego and the pain body who are buddies slide into the shadows again, leaving me tired and without thought.
