Feeling So Intense and Full of Resistance

It has been a rough ride since February 16 when I suffered a meltdown.  Most of the time, the thoughts are negative and reactive.  There is so much tension in me, the body is in constant pain (sour pain).  My ego gives rise to my pain body.  But being out alone gives me some sense of space to write what I feel.

Derrick understands what I am going through and he says to just watch and feel it.  And after each storm, there is a calm.  It is so strange that even without any triggers, I get all worked up with a lot of complaints in the mind, like "why no one helps in the house?", "why the boys have to mess up the place?", "why I have to do all the work?"  It is just so negative but I cannot stop it.  Resistance is futile.  So I just watch and feel the thoughts and emotions.  There is just too much past pain in me, and my ego and pain body are just waiting for the moment to get me all worked up for nothing.

I will continue to tell myself that "I AM a flame of Violet fire, I AM the purity God desires." and ask for guidance from God, the Transcended Masters, the Archangels, my guides.