Is Depression (and Death) Truly Understood?

Reading some more chapters of the book A Shooting Star dedicated to Markus Ng. Many of his friends wrote about his leadership, his good work, his life with God, his external self. No one wrote about the troubled young man, his inner self. Maybe no one truly knew him.

His writings were often sad, angry, disturbed. Not much different from mine when I am feeling down and depressed. Only difference is I know mine is just a phase I have to go through.

I remember when I was studying in the University of Malaya circ 1985-87, I used to have such bad days which no one knew about and would go to St Francis Xavier's Church at night to pray at the Grotto, weeping my heart out. I felt so lost in the world and did not know what to do. And praying was my only solace. And the crying was good. Released all the tension.

I remember breaking down while attending a Catholic camp at Port Dickson in 1986. There was a lot of light and warmth that night. I was confused and thought I was dying. I did not realize that I was feeling God in me. People around me did not know what to do. They tried comforting me but did not realize that I was experiencing God.

I remember breaking down at work in Parkson Grand, Subang Parade in 1988, when I had so much thoughts of failure, of not being good enough, of not doing my job well. My boss referred me to a shrink who put me on some anti-depressants which did me no good but got me freaked out about drugs, and I swore never to go on them again. Then my boss transferred me to Head Office and things changed for the better because I loved my job.

These happened long before I was finally diagnosed with depression in 2005. And all these time, I did not know that I was suffering from depression. Somehow, I managed to live my life, work, get married, have kids. That was a miracle! Count my blessings.

It is sad that Markus did not live to fully understand and appreciate his condition. It is sad that through his vocation to serve Malaysians and his Church, he did not get a chance to see how his life could have turned around as mine did. Instead it seemed that he drove himself to death, inviting death in his writings, challenging death.

And did he finally understand death? Everyone who wrote of him wrote that he is now with God, that he is only a memory, that he died young, that he was a nice guy when he was alive. Do we all understand life and death? People write as though he is just Markus. Do his family and friends know that he is more than that? That he is one of us? One of many? One with Christ? Jesus died and yet he lives in us. We know it because it is taught to us by the Church. Conditioning. Markus did and yet he lives in us. Do we know that?

I understand death because each day I die a little death and each day I am born to live another day, to experience life. And someday, I will also truly depart from this Earth (and this lifetime), and when I do, I go with the good feeling that I am going home to Consciousness (aka God or Creator or Supreme Being), like going back to the great melting pot.