Ponderings of Depression and Faith

As we approach the new year 2011, I am compelled to write my thoughts after a note from an uncle re getting a job and renewing my faith in Christ Jesus.

Since I was medically boarded out from Shell in 2008, I have been a home body focusing on my mental state and my family. Being at home, in my comfort zone, has kept me balanced to a certain degree. I am no longer exposed to office politics and unfair corporate practices. I am no longer exposed to negative talk. I keep my mind focused on house chores and my kids' education. Washing the bathrooms, mopping the floor, ironing, cooking, gardening have kept me focused in my life these 2 years. After all, this is what Shell Management asked me to do when the Company discharged me from service honorably.

Don't get me wrong. I have attempted to go back to work (on voluntary basis in an NGO). However, there were setbacks, just like when I was in Shell. I crashed out. The only difference now is that I am aware of my mental state and take affirmative action not to fall deep into the hole of despair like when I was in Shell. I still get anxiety attacks, hit the blues, go into weepy spells but now it happens behind closed doors of my home and is not prolonged like when I was working.

I am not trying to excuse myself from returning to work life. Rather, I do not wish to see myself cringing in mental anguish under my work desk when something snaps in my head and I go banging my head, sobbing my heart out, thinking of death and dying (no, I am not suicidal). Visions of death and dying just happen.

Of course there have been times when I feel a tinge of "regret" that I have this dis-ease called depression but that is just like denial or wishful thinking. It does not help as it has happened. However, in most cases, there is acceptance, non-judgment, self awareness.

I cannot control people's thoughts about my life. Questions like what is depression, how I got depression, what it feels like, do bother me sometimes because most people do not understand or do not wish to understand, do not listen, do not see me for what I truly am. Instead, they wish to see me working like any other normal person. Which is why I prefer not to talk about it.

Maybe to people, I look and act normal. Surely they do not wish to see me acting crazy! That would be madness and not depression. I look and act normal because I am aware of who I am and what I am doing, I am aware of what I can do. I cannot pretend to be someone I am not and right now I am not the person who can just go to work like normal because I know at the slightest trigger, something someone says is going to tip me over and I fall flat on my face sobbing.

Some doctors would say that that is my defence mode. I do not know what to call it. It saddens me that to this day, people do not know what goes on in their heads. People look but they do not see, they hear but do not listen, like what Jesus said about having eyes and ears and not seeing or listening.

This brings about my faith, what I believe in. I believe in all good things, in God (The Ultimate Supreme Being). I have been to 3 Catholic retreats and some priests have told me that I can practice my faith in my own way because my God is all loving, all compassionate, all embracing. My God has no name. No word can express my faith. I need not rely on structured prayers because my God is a personal, internal God. God lives in me. And no sin is so great that He will abandon me.

People have got structured beliefs of what religions and Gods are like, all so regulated, that they cannot tolerate differences of faith. Ultimately, we all go home to the same place, come what may. And God does not differentiate.

Ever so often, I see people who go to church or other places of worship, pledging love and forgiveness, and coming out being intolerant, racist, critical, judgmental. That is being so hypocritical, unreal! Why bother praying when all we do is complain, fight, argue, say unkind things, criticize after that?

So my faith is about positivity in any little way I can, in the mental state I am in. Some of my beliefs ~ We are all parts of the same body, Be still and know that I am God, Love your neighbour as yourself.

Now I wish everyone Love and Light, not Happy New Year, because at the end of the day, what is happiness? It is that momentary emotion when something feels right and good. It is not permanent. I go for Peace and Inner Joy, Contentment, even in moments of anguish.

Love and Light.